One of those medieval pigs with an apple

03 Jul
July 3, 2013

Boris LBCThis week saw the latest step in Bozza’s attempt for World Domination. His brand new monthly radio show, Ask Boris, debuted on radio station LBC and gave listeners the opportunity to quiz the Mayor on a range of issues.

According to the Daily Telegraph, it took a while for Boris to work out who was actually presenting the show. “Early on he noticed with some alarm that a man sitting on the other side of the studio kept butting in to ask him questions.

“Hang on,” spluttered Boris. “Are you allowed to keep interrupting me like this?”

“Yes,” said the man.

“OK, fine,” said Boris meekly. “I hadn’t realised that.”

Having established that the man – better known to listeners as Nick Ferrari, of LBC’s breakfast show – was his co-host, Boris grew in confidence.”

The Mayor fielded questions on stolen bus stops, fracking and illegal immigrants. And, at one point, he claimed that “London is one of the best cities in the world to have a stroke,” – a claim we all hope we’ll never have to personally verify. Other choice phrases included ‘one of those medieval pigs with an apple’, ‘thing had a warp in in, like a spoon’ and ‘I think it was Johannesburg airport’.

He also claimed that: “Labour put in a load of wind farms that failed to pull the skin off a rice pudding.” [I’m not sure that’s what they are designed for – Boriswatch Environment Editor]

All in all, the Telegraph said that ‘it was great fun to listen to’. Much like the Mayor in general, eh?

New balls, please

25 Jun
June 25, 2013

Sometimes, researching what the Mayor’s up to can be tough. He’s not always falling over in rivers or slagging off Northern cities or hanging by his nethers up a zipwire. No, sometimes it’s fairly mundane political activity, meetings and boring stuff.

So, when you see a headline like this, it’s as if you’ve been given a gift from the Tory gods:

“Boris Pulls Amazing Faces When Playing Tennis.”

I mean, what’s funnier than watching Bozza gurn himself into a stupor at Queen’s Club, eh?

Evidence A:

Boris Queens Club 1

Evidence B:

Boris Queens Club 2

Evidence C:

Boris Queens Club 3

No further questions, your honour. Etc etc etc.

Big Whiff-Whaff Without The Table

05 Jun
June 5, 2013

Boris tennisBoris has always loved a bit of bat and ball action. Ahead of the 2012 actions, the Mayor famously remarked: “I stand by my assertion that whiff-whaff and ping-pong are one and the same thing, with the ‘whiffs’ predating the ‘pongs’. Regardless of semantics though, it is a sport of which we should be proud and I look forward to watching it in 2012.”

And, earlier this year, the Mayor was challenged to a game of whiff-whaff by none other than the Duchess of Cambridge’s sister, Pippa Middleton. Writing in the Spectator, Ms Middleton said: “I’m informed that Boris Johnson, former editor of this magazine, wants to be ‘whiff-whaff’ world king even more than he wants to be Prime Minister.I’m also told the Johnsons are almost as competitive as the Middletons.

“So I’d like to lay down a challenge to the Mayor.My only stipulation is that I can use my favourite Dunlop Blackstorm Nemesis bat, which I used when I played in the Milton Keynes U13 National Championships, don’t you know.

“Bring it on, Boris.”

While that monumental sporting occasion has yet to take place, Bozza is set to ditch the table in favour of a larger form of whiff-whaff when he joins a host of stars for a charity tennis match [‘Thimp-thump’? – Boriswatch Sports Ed] at the Queen’s Club.

The Rally against Cancer event will follow the final of the Aegon Championships on 16 June. Andy Murray and former British number one Tim Henman are set to face each other in a special doubles match with celebrities – including Michael McIntyre, Jonathan Ross, Sir Richard Branson, Eddie Redmayne and the Mayor of London – rotating as their partners.

Bozza said: “Given the LTA’s generous decision to donate £10 for every ace, their bank balance will look a little thin after I’ve finished with Mr Henman and Mr Murray!”

Public has ‘right to know’ about Mayor’s lovechild

22 May
May 22, 2013

Boris LatinHe has long had something of a reputation for being a ladies’ man, and now the Appeal Court has ruled that the public has a right to know that Boris had an extramarital affair with a woman who later gave birth to their daughter.

The Guardian reports that ‘three senior judges decided on Monday that voters were entitled to be told that the mayor of London conducted a “brief adulterous affair” with the woman who later gave birth to their daughter, now aged three.’

Helen Macintyre, a professional art consultant, has lost her legal battle to keep secret the paternity of her daughter in a ruling that could change the privacy rights of public figures in England and Wales. While Bozza’s fatherhood of Macintyre’s daughter was first revealed by the Daily Mail in July 2010, it has since been the subject of a legal battle at the high court.

Lawyers for the Daily Mail had argued that it was in the public interest to name Boris as the child’s father because it ‘went to the issue of recklessness and whether on that account he was fit for public office’.

The Court of Appeal said: “It is not in dispute that the legitimate public interest in the father’s character is an important factor to be weighed in the balance against the claimant’s expectation of privacy.

“The core information in this story, namely that the father had an adulterous affair with the mother, deceiving both his wife and the mother’s partner and that the claimant, born about nine months later, was likely to be the father’s child, was a public interest matter which the electorate was entitled to know when considering his fitness for high public office.”

The mayor’s official spokesman said: “We don’t comment on matters pertaining to the mayor’s private life.” Probably just as well, otherwise they might have to take on more staff….

Boris Joins Reading Festival

18 May
May 18, 2013

EminemSince 1971, the Reading Festival has been one of the UK’s most important events. Over the years, The Jam, The Ramones, Meat Loaf, Nirvana, The Stone Roses and the Beastie Boys have played at the Festival but, until now, one name remained conspicuous by his absence.

Now, 2013 will see Boris Johnson at the Festival. Bozza will headline the Saturday night alongside Eminem and Chase and Status, with other acts on the bill including Fall Out Boy, Green Day, Biffy Clyro and System of a Down.

And, the festival will move from its Reading home to Trafalgar Square for one year only. Boris made his announcement at  Battersea primary school St Mary’s and executive headteacher Jared Brading said: “We will definitely be taking our pupils to the Trafalgar Square festival. It will be a wonderful opportunity to combine Reading  with a great day out.”

The Mayor said: “I hope as many Londoners as possible can make it to Trafalgar Square for the giant read-a-thon packed full of literacy-boosting activities and famous book lovers.”

[Are you sure about this?  – Boriswatch Ed]

Oh. The Get Reading festival, set to take place on 13 July, is part of a major literacy campaign being led by the London Evening Standard and has been organised in partnership with the e-reader firm Nook. Turns out Bozza won’t be doing The Real Slim Shady or American Idiot after all.

Boris said: “I would like to see a London where kids are no longer illiterate at age 11. The target must be to stamp out illiteracy of 11-year-olds, and this is where the Standard‘s literacy campaign has done such pioneering work. Think of the potential – almost one in five kids are leaving primary school unable to read or write, think of what they would go on to achieve, think of the economic benefits that would bring to London if we could turn that round and turn these kids onto reading.”

That’s ‘reading’ not Reading. Ahem.


09 May
May 9, 2013

Boris shorts

He’s received many awards in his time and now the Mayor of London has received yet another accolade (#accolade). Yes, Bozza has been awarded the title of Twitter’s coolest politician by Heat‘s Twitter awards (#heattwitterawards).

(Yes, a magazine runs an awards ceremony on Twitter. Categories include Best TV Personality – won by Philip Schofield with insights such as “I love a crumpet” and “Steph has decided to pickle radishes” – Friendliest Tweeter, Best Rant and Most Random #whatistheworldcomingto).

Boris regularly tweets from the account @MayorofLondon and received thousands of votes to take the title. He beat off (#beatoff) competition from David Cameron and former Deputy PM John Prescott who both finished as runners up (#losers).

Boris commented on the award saying; “I am delighted but bewildered how a middle-aged man like myself with a penchant for cycling slowly could be seen as being cool.”





Mayor In MAFIA Crime Boss Fine DRAMA

25 Apr
April 25, 2013

Boris taxiBozza Johnson, Mayor of London, has landed himself in hot water with OFFICIALS after failing to comply with a local parking restriction for the funeral of a GANGSTER. BORIS has been forced to pay a substantial FINE after recklessly failing to observe local bylaws in place for the funeral of an UNDERWORLD CRIME BOSS.


Residents’ parking bays in Islington were SUSPENDED for the funeral of crime boss George Adams in which his son Terry led a 30 strong cortege. However, the Mayor FAILED to observe the restriction and left his Toyota Previa parked ILLEGALLY where it was moved to another parking bay.


The Mayor has been FINED £65 although this fine was later rescinded as he holds a valid residents’ parking permit.

Mr Johnson’s spokeswoman said: “The council MOVED the Mayor’s car, and those of other local residents, to accommodate a funeral procession from a nearby church.”


“The Mayor had been approached to MOVE the car himself, which he was happy to do. However, when he went to do so he couldn’t find the car because it appeared the council had SWIFTLY solved the situation by moving it themselves to a parking bay NEARBY.”

[Yes, you can stop now with the Sun-esque reporting – Boriswatch Ed]

Oh. Let me summarise the story: Mayor parks car, it is moved, he isn’t fined. HOLD THE PRESS.

A myriad of Thatcher monuments

15 Apr
April 15, 2013

Boris ThatcherAfter the passing of Baroness Thatcher, there has been plenty of debate as to the best way to commemorate the life of Britain’s first female Prime Minister. Of course, Boris has had an idea – or two, as it turns out.

Following the death of the former Conservative leader, Bozza told the Daily Telegraph that he wants to put up a statue of the late Baroness in a ‘prominent location’ in London. He said the former PM ‘deserves’ a memorial in the centre of the capital despite concerns that a statue might become a target for vandalism.

However, just a couple of days later Bozza came up with another idea: name his new airport after the former leader.

The Metro reports that ‘Johnson said the move would be a fitting way of remembering the country’s first female leader, who died this week aged 87.’

The Mayor told the Daily Mail: “Mega airports are springing up all over the continent that are stealing British trade and are a threat to our economy.

“It is why this country so desperately needs a new four runway hub airport and I can think of no name that would strike greater fear into the heart of our European rivals than Margaret Thatcher International Airport.”

A statue? An airport? Renaming Port Stanley? What’s your suggestion for a fitting Thatcher memorial?


Boris’s trick shot

12 Apr
April 12, 2013

Good gracious, how did this little gem pass us by. Boris seems to be a dab hand at basketball – check out this video or a great trick shot he pulled off in front of Town Hall!

YouTube Preview Image

‘Disgusting’ journalism

25 Mar
March 25, 2013

Boris Johnson is interviewed by Eddie Mair on BBC1's The Andrew Marr ShowIt started off as a gentle Sunday morning interview. Eddie Mair – standing in for Andrew Marr on the BBC’s flagship Sunday morning programme – was quizzing the Mayor of London about issues including economic migrants and the Olympic legacy. It was all quite well-mannered and sedate – until the whole encounter took quite a turn.

Out of nowhere, Mair decided to question Boris’ integrity. “The Times let you go after you made up a quote. Why did you make up a quote?” he asked. Immediately flummoxed, Boris wondered: “Are you sure your viewers wouldn’t want to hear more about housing in London?” Mair replied: “OK. But you made a quote up.”

Boris began to explain: “Well, what happened was that … I ascribed events that were supposed to have taken place before the death of Piers Gaveston to events that actually took place after the death of Piers Gaveston,” he said.

“Yes. You made something up,” Mair replied. Johnson said: “Well, I mean, I mildly sandpapered something somebody said, and yes it’s very embarrassing and I’m very sorry about it.”

After this revelation, it was clear that Mair smelled blood: “Let me ask you about a barefaced lie. When you were in Michael Howard’s team, you denied to him you were having an affair. It turned out you were and he sacked you for that. Why did you lie to your party leader?”

Boris was again clearly uncomfortable: “Well, I mean again, I’m … with great respect … on that, I never had any conversation with Michael Howard about that matter and, you know, I don’t propose …”

Mair interrupted: “You did lie to him.”

Johnson: “Well, you know, I don’t propose to go into all that again.”

Mair: “I don’t blame you.” He then went on the offensive again, determined to get Boris to admit that his ultimate ambition is to be Prime Minister. He said: “You could end it all just by saying what you know to be true. What should viewers make of your inability to give a straight answer to a straight question?”

Bozza, now on the ropes, replied: “They [the viewers] don’t care about phone conversations with my friends 20 years ago, they don’t care about some ludicrous, so-called made-up quote, and what’s the third accusation? I can’t remember …”

“Lying to Michael Howard,” Mair reminds him.

The Johnson family’s response to the remarkable interview has been mixed. Bozza has conceded that Mair did ‘a fantastic job’ while his father, Stanley, has slammed the BBC, calling the interview a ‘disgusting’ piece of journalism.

Johnson Sr told London talk radio station LBC on Monday: “I thought Eddie Mair’s interview was one of the most disgusting pieces of journalism I’ve listened to for a very long time. The BBC sank about as low as it could.”

However, Bozza was more generous. He said: “”Eddie Mair did a splendid job. There is no doubt that is what the BBC is for – holding us to account.

“I fully concede it wasn’t my most blistering performance, but that was basically because I was set to talk about the Olympics and housing in London and he wanted to talk about other things, some of them – my private life and so on – of quite some antiquity, the details of which I wasn’t brilliant on. He was perfectly within his rights to have a bash at me – in fact it would have been shocking if he hadn’t. If a BBC presenter can’t attack a nasty Tory politician what’s the world coming to?”

Did you watch the interview? Was it ‘disgusting’ journalism or did the BBC hold Boris to account?