Boris says awesome things...

Some days, I imagine that Bozza’s life is just, well, a bit weird.

Take yesterday, for example. It began with him launching a competition whereby musicians or singers aged 16-25 can compete for the coveted prize of a year’s licence to busk on London Underground. It’s a great scheme, and last year’s winner James West is about to release his first record.

Boris (rather improbably) said, “As The View so purposely said on their album Hats off to the Buskers - it is high time we recognised how marvellous our buskers truly are. I’m searching for the finest act to join the myriad of talented musicians on the Underground.”

(Really? Do you think Boris is a huge fan of The View? Perhaps he has had the same jeans on, for four days now).

Then, after launching this competition and quoting album titles of popular beat combos, he met with HRH the Duchess of Cornwall. According to Bozza’s Twitter, HRH has ‘taken a keen interest in our Violence Against Women Strategy’, don’t you know.

Buskers and Bowles on the same day, eh?  Just another 24 hours in the life of the Mayor of London…

(Apologies for the quality of the picture, it’s taken directly from BoJo’s Twitter site).

I’m not sure Richard Whiteley would have stood for it.

Contestant: “I’ll have one from the top and five from anywhere else, please Carol.”

Carol: “Now you won’t.” *points finger* “You’ll have EXACTLY what I say….”

The Vorderman Question Time appearance debate rumbles on.  I’m glad it wasn’t just me who thought she was quite frightening, as the Daily Mail (of all people) seem to agree.  The Mail makes the great point that the one actual Tory on the panel, our Boris, seemed to be distancing himself from Vorderman, even though she is a Conservative advisor.

The Mail actually calls here ‘the new Sarah Palin’ which is about as damning an association as you can think of.  Who does that make Boris?  The new Obama?  The new McCain?

Anyway, other parties must be thinking twice about getting well known TV personalities to back their campaign.  Unconfirmed reports say that Labour have changed their mind about sending William G Stewart and Lorraine Kelly to represent them on this week’s Question Time, whilst the BNP have dropped Ainsley Harriott.  (Eh?  Oh.)

It’s always an entertaining edition of Question Time when our Bozza is on the panel, and yesterday’s show was no exception. Not only was it (as ever) liberally sprinkled with lovely Boris witticisms, but it was made particularly watchable by Carol Vorderman looking like she’d had a few too many gin and tonics before the recording.

The ex Countdown star was scarily anti-politics, claiming at one point that Westminster were “getting their knickers in a hypocritical twist,” whilst pointing like a frightening and wizened old lady. Either she’d had a really bad journey to the venue, or someone had permed her hair too tightly as I don’t remember her being that grumpy with old Twice Nightly on Channel 4. Indeed, I was actually quite shocked that loveable Carol off of detox and maths appeared to be about as liberal as Norman Tebbitt.

Anyway.

My particular favourite Boris phrase from QT was “bathe in the odour of sanctity…” although his repeated early barking of the word “rhubarb” was an interesting fruit-based interjection.  Bozza also confirmed that “all parties have taken money from non-doms” and told fellow panellist Will Self that “of course you shouldn’t pity politicians!” Apparently, election debates will also “elucidate the vacuity of the heart of Labour”. Whatever that means…..

He was so excitable that at one point, Dimbo had to ask him to ‘learn how to restrain himself’ shortly before the host grumbled that Bozza’s ‘exuberance was exhausting’.   Carol didn’t understand either of those words, mind – they both have more than nine letters….

The deputy editor of the Wall Street Journal Europe is, frankly, a bit miffed.

Iain Walker writes a blog for the Journal and this week his piece is entitled ‘Gridlocked London in Roadwork Hell’. He claims that ‘Almost every major thoroughfare seems to feature huge holes dug by workmen and endless orange and metal barriers’ and ‘At some points, buses struggle to make their way through the carnage.’

The point of his article, however, is that in his opinion Our Boris isn’t actually doing much about the problem. Well, that’s not strictly true, considering his plan to start a system where people digging up roads will need a permit but let’s not let facts cloud the issue, eh?

However, he is kinder about Bozza later in his article. “Boris Johnson is a marvelous writer. From a single thin thread, he can weave a beautiful tapestry for the reader. Sometimes you’ll get to the end of a Johnson column with a smile on your face thinking what a load of old rubbish. But you’re smiling because you know it’s hugely entertaining, clever, playful 24-carat rubbish.”

Playful 24-carat rubbish, eh? He *is* going to be PM after all, then….!

With all the speculation surrounding Boris’ aspirations towards becoming the leader of the Conservative Party, then Prime Minister and then Supreme Ruler Of The Known Universe it might be appropriate to make a tiny prick to this bubble.

The Children’s Society have published the results of a survey of 1,000 11-25 year olds and their attitudes towards politicians, reports GMTV.

(Incidentally, the GMTV covering article about this matter is so full of inconsistencies and errors, it’s hard to make head nor tail of.  The article leads with the statement “As a survey reveals one in ten youngsters think politicians can’t be trusted…” before saying “Only 9% said politicians could be trusted.” Which is it, Ben Shepherd?)

Anyway, the poll also asked the Young People to choose from a list of people they’d like to see as Prime Minister. Unsurprisingly, the most popular (with 30% of the votes) was Stephen Fry (although if you polled a sample of 1,000 Britons of any age, religion or political persuasion you’d get that answer, I reckon). Second was “one of the current leaders of a political party” with Simon Cowell in a well-deserved third place.

However, of the 1,000 votes in the “Who would make the best Prime Minister poll”, Bozza received just two (the same as Tony Blair). Even Richard Branson got five, although nine of the respondents did vote for themselves.

Whilst it might not be a fillip to Boris’ political ambitions, it does appear on the GMTV website which isn’t necessarily the most accurate or highly charged political forum. For balance, consider that the top five searches on the GMTV site (published alongside this research) are for:

“Mother’s Day”, “send flowers”, “Jewellery”, “spa day” and “Buy chocolates”. All the major Westminster issues….

As far as we can tell here at Boriswatch HQ, barely a week goes by without either a) newspapers claiming Boris is losing a deputy mayor or other staff member or b) there being an unholy row about Something To Do With Transport.

This week it’s b) again, after the Rail Maritime and Transport Union claims it has received a leaked document, entitled Minimum Staffing Levels, which it warned would lead to cuts in Tube station jobs.

RMT general secretary, Bob Crow, isn’t a happy bunny. “Despite all the election promises from London Mayor Boris Johnson that he would not cut back on operational staff and ticket offices, the truth of what is going on behind closed doors at LU and TfL is starting to emerge and it is clear that the cash-saving measures under discussion would devastate Tube safety.”

Crow continued (having watched too many James Bond espionage thrillers, I think), “RMT is committed to fighting these plans and we will continue to alert the London travelling public and Tube workers to the scale of the attack that is being cooked up for the capital’s transport system in secret meetings.”

Secret meetings? ‘Scale of the attack’? ‘Cooked up for the Capital’? I don’t think it’s the Mayor’s office we should be talking to, I think it’s MI5. Anyone seen anything strange going on at Piz Gloria….?

If you believe what you read in the Daily Mirror (which, if I did, would presumably mean that I believe that anyone who has ever played Premier League football spends their weekends on cocaine fuelled romps with busty underwear models), these two charming ex-Etonians aren’t friends anymore.

Under a headline which leaves little open to interpretation – “Boris Johnson wants David Cameron’s job” – the Mirror alleges that Bozza (if I may steal a line from the terrific Chris Addison) is little more than ’skin stretched over ambition’.

The former Deputy Mayor of London, Ian Clement, says Boris believes he has a “divine right to rule the country”. Apparently, Clement claims, Boris has had foul-mouthed, four-letter rants about Cameron, who he believes is less talented than he is.

Clement continues, “Boris is arrogant. He thinks, ‘I’m more intelligent than Dave, I’m more popular than Dave, I’d do a better job than Dave’.” (Again, we presume he’s referring to Cameron here, and not claiming that 24 hours of Boris would be preferable to endless repeats of Top Gear and Mock the Week).

“After his many dressing-downs Boris became frustrated and would stomp about, slamming doors and going into an incoherent rant muttering words like ‘c***’ and ‘f***’ and banging his fist on the table. His frustration came from the view that he could do Dave’s job better.”

Whatever next? The future Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland muttering worlds like ‘camp’ and ‘farm’? Banging his fist on the table? WHAT SORT OF BEHAVIOUR IS THIS?

*faints*

Bozza’s never far from people having a pop at a decision he has made, it seems.  You can please some of the people all of the time, and all of the people all of the time, and some of all of the London people nearly all of the time in London, but it seems that you can’t please all of the Londoners all of the time, somewhere in London.

Or something.

Anyway, City Hall has cut the funding for a number of multicultural events including Black History Month, Africa Day and St Patrick’s Day.  Instead, however, we are going to have a USA! Day! at which we can all stand in the middle of London’s pavements, blocking pedestrians whilst trying to photograph a famous landmark and eating a doughnut.

USA! Day! is getting £100,000, apparently, which by our calculations still won’t be enough for the size of buffet you’d need to do the USA proud. Also, we’re not entirely sure what the point of it is, as if I went to New York on my holidays, the last thing I’d probably want to do is attend a street party where I could sing God Save The Queen and eat a slice of black pudding.

Another winner is St George’s Day, which is also getting an extra £100,000.  However, the GLA isn’t, apparently, “a cash cow nor a financial lifeline”. The Mayor’s spokesman added, “The GLA does not own Black History Month or Africa Day, but we would hope community groups would be able to develop programmes that mark these in a similar way.”

It’s amazing what you learn on a day to day basis here at Boriswatch HQ.  Today, for example, I was reminded that Boris’s ex-wife is called Allegra Mostyn-Owen.  In the same way that the Beckham’s named their child Brooklyn after where he was conceived, presumably Mostyn-Owen’s parents had it off in the back of an old Austin nine months before the arrival of their daughter.

And, today, I also learned that the London Development Authority has offices in Mumbai and Delhi.  Well, I say “has offices” – more accurately it “had offices” as they have recently been closed.

They were set up by Ken Livingstone with a view to promoting Indian development in London (the Indians are the second biggest investors in London after the Yanks) and, in principle, it seems like a bright enough idea.

Of course the problem with closing the offices isn’t the damage that decision directly makes (the offices might be a spectacular waste of money, for all we know) but it is the message that shutting them down sends out that has become the issue.

Colin Stanbridge, chief executive of the London Chamber of Commerce and Industry, said: “It is essential that we maintain offices in Delhi and Mumbai so that we can continue to market London in one of the fastest growing economies in the world. If we are not out there selling London as the best place in the world to do business, our international rivals will be more than happy to fill the vacuum.”

Apparently, in a particularly Fagin-esque way, Bozza’s office is now ‘reviewing the situation’. Can a villain be a villain all his life? All the trials, and trib…[Snip! - Boriswatch Ed]

As the last Olympic Games before London 2012 continues in Vancouver this week, Trafalgar Square has marked this fact by installing an ice sculpture of the five Olympic rings.

Visitors to central London will also be able to try their hand at winter sports such as bobsleigh, snowboarding and skiing.  Really?  I didn’t realise the weather in London had been that extreme….

[They haven't built the Cresta Run down Charing Cross Road - the winter games are on video consoles stationed around the Square - Boriswatch Ed].

Bozza, presumably, likes a bit of Wii action (not a euphemism). “Whilst we can not bring the snowy slopes of Whistler to London, we are offering a fantastic day of interactive fun and competition to the heart of the host city for the next summer games.”