Boris says awesome things...

So, the weekend saw more peaceful anti-Government marches ruined by a small minority who fancied a bit of a scrap on a Saturday afternoon. This time the Ritz was occupied (presumably by the TUC in a row over whose was the best cheese flavoured biscuit), windows were smashed and an angry mob occupied the ground floor of posh retailer Fortnum and Mason.

And, in a break from the norm, Labour leader Ed Miliband addressed the protestors in Hyde Park. This single act has made Boris Very Angry Indeed, and the Mayor used his column in the Daily Telegraph to express his displeasure and to criticise Labour for the lack of a credible alternative to sweeping cuts.

“The plan is to get a load of aggressive crusties and Lefties to attack the Ritz hotel, to storm Fortnum’s, and to cause so much argy-bargy that 4,500 police officers are obliged to waste their time (and our money) in putting out the bonfires and controlling events as peacefully as they can,” Boris said.

[I do understand why the protestors occupied Fortnum and Mason, though. Proper tea is theft, isn't it? - Boriswatch Marxism Ed]

But Bozza didn’t stop there. Oh no. Labour’s “very presence at the march – and Miliband’s speech – is the most disgusting cheat and fraud” continued the Mayor, before revealing that he and the Labour leader are alumni of the same school.

“As I shall never tire of reminding him, Ed Miliband attended the same excellent north London school as I did, and yet sometimes I fear he has forgotten the high standards of intellectual honesty that are demanded of Old Primroseans. If he had an ounce of candour or decency, he would have made a very different speech on Saturday.”

Ooooh. Strong words, eh? Boris concluded: “If this hypocritical silence is the best ‘alternative’ Labour can come up with, they will remain in opposition for years.” With a Mayoral election just over a year away, he’d better hope he is right….

Getting rid of grime is a problem. Whilst Mr Muscle might do a half decent job on your kitchen surfaces, and Cillit Bang might bring your floor up lovely (allegedly by removing the top layer of coating), getting rid of larger scale grime can be tricky.

So, Boris has come up with a great invention to get rid of problem dirt and grease. It’s a mobile and internet service!

[Eh? Will this really work? - Boriswatch Consumer Ed]

Through the Love Clean London system, residents will be able to report environmental offences such as graffiti, litter and fly-tipping on their mobile phone. Rather than ringing the Grime Line you can now use a free mobile app to upload a picture of the problem onto an online map. A GPS signal is used to identify which borough is responsible for the problem and emails a report for action to be taken.

Bozza said that grime costs boroughs millions of pounds to clear up and was a ‘real blight’ on the environment.

The Mayor said: “Love Clean London gives people an easy way to report a discarded mattress or an outbreak of graffiti, helping their boroughs to direct finite resources where they are most needed.

“In tough financial times, this smart use of technology can deliver genuine savings whilst encouraging people to take an active pride in their local environment. I am urging more boroughs to get behind it and more Londoners to spruce up the capital in the run up to 2012 and beyond.”

Susan Wise, cabinet member for customer services at Lewisham, said: “Encouraging Londoners to get involved and report the problems they see not only helps improve the areas in which they live, but by using this state of the art, easy to use technology it’s a cost effective way of helping to create cleaner, greener places.”

It’s worked for the film industry, with blockbusting kids films such as Despicable Me, Bolt and Tangled being brought to life by the power of 3D cinema. It’s also worked with television, with a breathtaking array of sport, documentaries and TV shows now available in high definition.

And now, it’s possible to enjoy the Boris Johnson experience in technicolour 3D.

By getting yourself a pair of these red glasses, you can now enjoy ‘Mayor 3D’ – a brand new service which brings the Mayor to life in three stunning dimensions.

Boris launched the brand new version of, er, himself at the gala opening of the Wimbledon Film and Television Studios, at the swanky Soho Hotel. According to Screen Daily, ‘the film-loving mayor joked that he had recently spotted his office, City Hall, in the background of a gigantic poster for the latest Harry Potter film (“Harry Potter And The Awful Experience or whatever it wasâ€?) on the side of a London bus as it “glided past at the average speed of 9.4 miles per hour.â€?’

Whether Boris 3D is to be rolled out to all London residents over the next couple of years isn’t clear. So, in the meantime, anyone without the appropriate eyewear will have to continue enjoying the Mayor in boring old two dimensions.

Sorry.

Public services being slashed, hundreds of job cuts and tough spending decisions. It’s difficult being a politician right now…unless you’re living it up on a jolly on the French Riviera, of course.

As usual, the British papers have spotted that the Mayor and his delegation are on important overseas businesses and used it as an opportunity to have a pop at elected officials WHO ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING THAT INVOLVES SPENDING MONEY WHILST THE REST OF US HAVEN’T GOT ANY.

Boris has been at Mipim this week, promoting London by delivering important speeches to property types looking to invest. Of course, though, the newspapers don’t see it that way. The Daily Telegraph points out that ‘Boris Johnson, the Mayor of London, heads a party of at least 13 from the Greater London Authority and its agencies, including four from the London Development Agency, even though it is being abolished next year and has been reduced to a rump of staff.’

The Daily Mail takes a more obvious approach, pointing out that ‘news of the taxpayer-funded jaunt comes at a time when public services are being cut around the country.’

Thankfully, the Mayor’s spokesman had the actual facts to hand. “The mayor spent one day at the conference, travelling economy class, and his packed itinerary saw him delivering two keynote speeches attended by key international developers and investors and attending meetings. As usual the mayor travelled with a very small team and all their overnight accommodation was provided free.â€?

Charlie Sheen and Boris have lots in common. Both ultra well known celebrities, both posting their thoughts on Twitter and both with a number of shapely beauties [snip - Boriswatch Lawyer]

Now, however, the wild child Hollywood star has revealed that he’d like to go out for a few beers with the Mayor.

[I should say that we're not making this up. As preposterous as this sounds, this story is entirely true - Boriswatch Ed]

In an article entitled “I Want To Hang Out With Boris Johnson”, the (formerly) highest paid man in TV told The Sun that he fancies going on a bender with Boris. Whilst looking through a copy of the newspaper’s 40th Anniversary book, Sheen remarked: “”Who’s that guy? He looks like he drops a few pints now and again. I want to hang out with him.”

When asked what he and Eton-educated Boris had in common, he joked: “What will we talk about? His untimely death.”

Sheen recently broke the World Record for reaching a million Twitter followers faster than anyone else and is currently trying to get his job on Two And A Half Men back whilst living in his Beverley Hills mansion with his two (yes, two) girlfriends.

Bozza, described by the Sun as a ‘master of mayhem’ responded kindly: “I’m flattered to hear Charlie Sheen’s comments. I’ve no doubt that we would have plenty to talk about. A night out with him would no doubt be intriguing and extremely memorable.”

One of the major problems that has perplexed the staff here at Boriswatch Towers for years is this: “Just how can we get from Islington to Croydon easily, without having to travel through Central London?”

Well, we can now move on to solving humanity’s more pressing problems as our travel dilemma has been solved. This week, Bozza opened the new East London Line extension which links Highbury and Islington to Dalston Junction, meaning you can easily get to Canary Wharf and West Croydon without having to go through the capital’s centre.

The new line will “make it vastly easier for millions of Londoners to whiz from one side of the city to anotherâ€? said the Mayor, before referring to the line as the “M25 of railways’”

The M25 of railways, eh? Hardly effusive praise, is it? It’s like saying something is the ‘Royal Mail of prompt letter delivery’ or the ‘Mini Metro of small cars’.

Still, we think we know what the Mayor was getting at, in that the railway is designed to provide orbital links between bits of London. I suppose that when it takes hours to get from A to B and you sit behind other trains for hours on end, we’ll truly know it’s lived up to Boris’ billing….