Boris says awesome things...

“For the larrikins and yobs, these are going to be a badge of honour to transport to improbable places, like the Taj Mahal or Tiananmen Square.”

Such was Boris’ prediction back in July on the launch of the London bicycle hire scheme, affectionately now nicknamed ‘Boris’ Bikes’. However, it turns out that Londoners are an upstanding and law abiding bunch, and that just five bikes have so far been pinched.

The 6,000 bicycles each cost about £900. However, the tight security in place has been pretty successful in deterring potential bike thieves and Bozza is ‘thrilled and rather pleasantly surprised’ by the low crime statistics.

“In darker moments, I had my fears. These bikes could have been dragged as trophies on stag do’s to Bratislava, heaved up Everest or worse. But no. The good people of London hand them back when they’ve used them. Londoners’ enthusiasm and inherent honesty is in encouraging contrast to light-fingered Parisians. Long may it continue.”

A spokesman for TfL agreed. “While we are not complacent about the low rate, we do believe it reflects the honesty of Londoners.”

Quite why you’d use a Barclays branded bike to cycle up Everest, we’re not sure. But still, kudos to both the scheme and the upstanding Londoners using the bikes, we say.

So, the 2012 Mayoral election is going to be a re-run of the 2008 vote, as Ken Livingstone has defeated Oona King to become Labour’s candidate for the 2012 ballot.

Red Ken won 68.8% of the total votes. He said: “When we defeat Boris we will have played a part in rebuilding the Labour Party after the general election. Everywhere you look Boris has broken promises and taken his axe to services Londoners rely on.”

Mr Livingstone said the current mayor’s fingerprints were “all over the scene of the crime” of current cuts.

Whilst Bozza and Ken go head to head once again, the Liberal Democrat Mayoral candidate looks increasingly like being a ‘celebrity’ politician. We have already reported here how ex-kids TV presented Floella Benjamin might get the nod, but now it seems that charismatic stand-up comic Lembit Opik is also seeking the Lib Dem nomination.

He said: “I will stand for the candidature but it is obviously up to the party to decide if they’d like me to do that. The reason is simple. I think my left-wing, libertarian agenda accords with the mood of London and of course I was an MP for 13 years and before that in local government.

“I think I have the experience to do it.”

Bozza v Ken v Lembit.  That promises to be a TV debate not to miss…

Do you want to learn how to become a Mayor?

If so, you’re in luck.  Boris opened the first of his Mayoral Academies this week – educational institutions designed to provide all the skills and expertise you will need to become your local Mayor.

With David Cameron’s Big Society encouraging local people to get involved in local politics, the demand for mayors is set to skyrocket over the next few years.  Thankfully, Bozza saw this coming and, with the help of GLA funding, has opened the Aylward Academy in Enfield.

Mr Johnson said he would “make sure every student coming from Aylward Academy has access to training or to a job”.

“That’s a guarantee,” he added.

Wow. So, if you manage to secure a place at Aylward Academy, you can guarantee yourself a job as an elected public servant. Perhaps Ken Livingstone or Brian Paddick should see if they can get a place….?

There’s an old practical joke you can play if you’re travelling through the City of London on the Tube during rush hour in the morning.  On a packed train, pretend that your mobile telephone is ringing, and begin a conversation.  Then, you appear gradually more distraught until you start using words such as “sell” and “now”.  Start yelling “sell everything!” at the top of your voice and then sit there looking visibly shaken.

Everyone else on the train will poke and prod their mobile phones looking ever more agitated about the fact that they can’t get a signal and wondering how many billions have been wiped off their portfolio whilst on their commute….

However, if you’re planning to try this prank, you’ll have to be quick.  It has emerged this week that Bozza is in advanced talks with the UK’s five major mobile phone networks to install mobile coverage on the London Underground in time for the Olympics in 2012.

While it is technically possible to install network equipment in the deep-level underground tunnels and stations, project costs have so far proved prohibitively high. City Hall were keen to stress that the costs of such an installation would be met by the mobile providers and that passengers or taxpayers wouldn’t pay a penny.

The GLA said that finding a solution “remains dependent on the market providing a credible proposal that satisfies both technical and commercial considerations�. (Translated: The solution is dependent on the mobile companies footing the bill.)

A man elected to his revered office, worshipped by millions, no stranger to controversy and with one or two slightly right wing views.  And, what’s more, he got to meet the Pope this week!

Yes, that picture you see is of Bozza in conversation with Pope Benedict of Cumberbatch in London during the Papal visit to the UK.  We’re not privy to the conversation that Boris had with Mr Cumberbatch, but, if we at Boriswatch Towers had to guess, we expect it had something to do with religion or the bible or the baby Jesus, innit.

Mind you, Bozza is hardly a devout Catholic, as this statement from his office today confirmed (confirmed! Get it? – Boriswatch Joke Writer)

“Boris was baptised Catholic but was not confirmed and is not practising. He told Italian radio this morning that he disagreed with many of the Pope’s views but feels he has very interesting and important things to say about modern life and the secularisation of society.”

During the meeting between Johnson and the Sherlock actor, BoJo gave his esteemed guest three books as gifts, including a copy of his own historical book The Dream of Rome. Reports that Bozza’s guest responded in kind by giving the Mayor a DVD copy of his well-received 2006 comedy Starter for Ten are unconfirmed….

As more and more high profile figures join forces to launch legal action over the News of the World phone hacking fiasco, Bozza has made his position on the matter pretty clear, reports The Guardian.

Despite being a potential victim of the scam, Bozza has refused to “go into detail about what seems to be a case that has been very substantially investigated by all sorts of bodies. I don’t think the question of whether or not I am a victim is in any way new. It doesn’t seem to me to add to the weight of evidence.”

Speaking at his monthly Q&A with the London Assembly, Boris went on to remark that “Labour politicians have had five years to discover their principles about this and get outraged about what may or may not have happened.” Bozza argued that Labour had not acted until they were out of office and were now doing so “simply in order to score party political points against the prime minister’s press spokesman”, a reference to Andy Coulson, the former editor of the News of the World.

The Mayor also dismissed continuing concerns over the News of the World‘s use of phone hacking as “codswallop” that “looks like a politically motivated put-up job by the Labour party”.

I tell you what, we at Boriswatch Towers wish there were more things in the world that were ‘codswallop’. Bravo, Boris.

It’s the news we have all been waiting for.  As London’s big event in 2012 draws closer, there had been silence from City Hall about whether Bozza would even be participating at all in one of the most important competitions in the capital’s history.

But now it has been confirmed: Boris will run in 2012.

As yet the specific details of which of London’s Olympic disciplines the Mayor will compete in are unclear.  Insiders in the Mayor’s office believe that the former Henley MP will tackle the 100m and 200m, whereas the word from Bozza’s private office is that the Mayor prefers taking on the Kenyans in the 5000m.

[Er, I think you may have got your 2012 events muddled up - Boriswatch Ed]

Oh. Hang on.

No, it definitely says here in the Independent that Boris will run in 2012….ah. In the Mayoral Election, it appears. Johnson has put “on hold any plans to resume his career at Westminster and succeed David Cameron” by announcing he will stand for re-election in 2012.

Asked if he had ambitions to be Prime Minister, he said yesterday: “I’m more likely to be decapitated by a Frisbee or locked in a disused fridge. We have a very good Prime Minister. My job now is to negotiate with him and with the Chancellor the best possible deal for London.”

As we have often said here, there’s never a dull moment as Mayor of London.

From heading to South Africa to support England’s World Cup bid to standing up for bankers during the recent financial crisis, Boris’ work is always varied.  This week, the Mayor had to deal with the prospect of a Tube strike amongst other pressing matters, although he did find the time to unveil the first ever sign in the Essex village of Havering-atte-Bower.

Members of the Conservation Society raised part of the money for the sign and the village received additional funding from a company called Grass Roots. Nicky Gates from the society said: “We decided one of the things we wanted was a village sign because lots of villages in Essex have them, and we didn’t.”

The job of unveiling the sign, designed to reflect the 1,000 year history of the village, went to Boris. “I think the people who live in the village are very, very lucky,” said the Mayor. “They have a fantastic village atmosphere, a community atmosphere which has got them together to produce this beautiful sign.

“It really is a handsome work of art,” he added, shortly before having to go back to doing something Much More Important, no doubt.