Boris says awesome things...

As we have reported before on this site, there continues to be a row brewing between the UK and other countries about quite what staff employed at foreign embassies can get away with when in London.

Foreign Secretary William Hague has this week released details of eighteen crimes alleged to have been perpetrated by people with diplomatic immunity. These include drink driving, actual bodily harm, sexual assault and people trafficking.

Another issue that has reared its head again (and one that threatened a diplomatic row between Boris and Barack Obama) is over unpaid London congestion charges. London is owed a staggering £36million in unpaid congestion charges from several embassies who refuse to pay the fee. The worst offender is the USA who owe almost £4million in congestion charges but steadfastly refuse to pay.

Bozza’s spokeswoman said: “Three-quarters of all foreign missions already pay the Congestion Charge. Transport for London continues to press any non-paying embassies to live up to their obligations to their host city and pay the charge.”

Aaaah.

A smiling, jolly, World Cup advocate with ridiculous hair…and Zakumi, the mascot of the 2010 World Cup.

*insert Boris “blowing own trumpet” gag here*

You have to feel for Boris, really.  Jetting half way across the world to discuss sports event staging in South Africa, attending a royal function intended to support England’s 2018 World Cup bid and then, awfully, having to sit through England’s dreadful 0-0 draw with Algeria.

It’s not all champagne receptions and jollies, this Mayor lark.  Sometimes you really do have to suffer for the privilege.

Apparently, after the goalless draw (and in a rare moment of crystal clear football insight) Bozza told a ‘source’ (A ‘source’? Eh?) “What was that?  That was diabolical”.

Impolite, but sadly true.  One fan at the match told the Daily Mail that “Wayne Rooney couldn’t trap a bag of cement.” The entire England team failed to display any passion at all, and so if you’re going to wear the Three Lions shirt, the least you have to show is a bit of grit and determination….

If I may indulge in gross understatement for a moment, England’s performance at the World Cup in South Africa has left something to be desired.

Having watched England’s terrible draws with the USA and Algeria, there are those who would applaud Bozza’s decision not to install big screens in London to show the Three Lions’ World Cup matches. However (as ever) not everyone is happy with the Mayor.

An ‘early day motion’ has been tabled by Harrow West MP Gareth Thomas and BoJo has been given a parliamentary ticking off. The MP is clearly grumpy that Boris has failed to ensure that Londoners can boo loudly at England’s dire performances and who can blame him? It’s not like there is any free to air TV coverage of the football, or any bars, pubs or restaurants showing England’s matches, is it?

Eh?

Oh.

So, Bozza’s World Cup jolly fact finding mission to South Africa continues apace.  After spending time being interviewed by the BBC’s Chris Hollins (did he really have to go to Cape Town for that?) Bozza met up with a couple of footballing legends.

Here he is in the shadow of Table Mountain with none other than Andy Cole and Lucas Radebe, two of the England’s ambassadors for the 2018 World Cup Bid.  (They may or not be attending the Royal function which, as we saw here, is NOT AN OFFICIAL WORLD CUP FUNCTION OR ANYTHING).

In his South Africa blog, BoJo says, “So help me tell this tale please as we cheer on our team. Let’s help them bring back the cup. But let’s also help England by the end of this year to secure the right and privilege to host this wonderful competition eight years from now.”

So, Bozza has joined the World Cup party and headed to South Africa for a few days on a jaunt fact finding mission to look at how major sporting events are run, ahead of the 2012 Olympics.

BoJo will also attand a Royal reception which, if there is anyone from FIFA reading HAS NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH OUR 2018 WORLD CUP BID (even if we have invited representatives from each of the voting countries and it is being held during the 2010 World Cup).

You’re not allowed to promote a 2018 bid around the World Cup, you see, and so the fact that Prince William and Prince Harry are hosting a reception for the voting nations in South Africa whilst inviting two of the main bid supporters – David Beckham and Boris – is just a strange coincidence.

In addition, Bozza will enjoy the World Cup at a fanfest site, hold meetings with World Cup organisers to share best practices and, of course, go to England v Algeria on Friday evening. He’ll also be the guest of honour at the Prince’s gala function which, remember, has nothing to do with our 2018 World Cup bid.  Nothing at all….

The Mayor is an interesting and complex character, but one of the lesser known facts about Bozza is that he is an enormous Harry Potter fanatic. He was the beater for the Bullingdon Club Quidditch team for two years and, indeed, he changed his middle names by deed poll to Dedalus Diggle in 2005.

[Are you sure? - Boriswatch Ed]

BoJo’s huge love affair with all things Potter has been damaged over recent months, however. The decision to build the world’s first Potter theme park in Orlando, Florida has angered the Mayor, who firmly believes that you should be able to buy Ron Weasley themed baseball caps in London, not in the USA.

BoJo, deeply misunderstanding the correct usage of the word ‘pilgrimage’, said “I deeply and bitterly resent that Orlando is about to become the official place of pilgrimage for every Harry Potter fan on earth.”

In a rather uncharitable moment, Bozza then retorted that the siting of the park in Florida meant that “you are, of course, far more likely to get shot or robbed there than London.â€?

Blimey. Dumbledore will be turning in his grave…. (What do you mean you haven’t finished book six yet? Eh? Oh…..)

Who do we need to support most? Our friends the Americans, or a big British company having a hard time?

This is the quandary facing the Government at the moment as BP oil continues to gush into the Gulf of Mexico. Whilst the Government have been sympathetic to the Americans’ ‘frustration’, Boris has this week broken rank to complain about the ‘anti British rhetoric’ emanating from President Obama and the US administration.

Asked if he thought Cameron should intervene in the escalating war of words, he replied: “A national company is being repeatedly beaten down over the airwaves.�

The mayor’s spokesman told City A.M.: “This in an environmental catastrophe. BP has lessons to learn and of course it’s right to criticise it, but let’s not demonise an important Anglo American firm.�

David Cameron, however, said, “This is an environmental catastrophe. BP needs to do everything it can to deal with the situation and the UK government stands ready to help. I completely understand the US government’s frustration.â€?

Bozza had support from Tory grandee Lord Tebbit, who said the “whole might of American wealth and technologyâ€? had been “utterly unable to deal with the disastrous spillâ€?. Tebbit added, “So what is more natural than a crude, bigoted, xenophobic display of partisan political Presidential petulance against a multinational company?â€?

So, who is right?  Should we be beating a British firm for their perceived failings, or criticising the US administration for picking on one of our own?

The humble fox has been in the news for all the wrong reasons this week. One such creature made its way to the bedroom of nine month old twins Lola and Isabella Koupparis before mauling the children and leaving them with ‘life changing’ injuries.

The incident happened in Hackney, and Boris was therefore quick to warn folk of the dangers of these ‘pests’ and to remind councils about their responsibilities.

“People like to think foxes are a wonderful addition to the flora and fauna of London but they are undoubtedly a pest. They are a menace in their scavenging for rubbish and as you saw in the last couple of days they can, in very rare circumstances, present a threat to human beings as well.”

Bozza added: “Therefore it’s right that boroughs should focus on their duties for pest control because as romantic and cuddly as a fox is, it is also a pest.”

Boris’ comments received wide support from wildlife experts. Peter Crowden, chairman of the National Pest Technicians Association, said: “The situation is out of control and we could see more attacks on domestic pets and even babies. There are no natural predators and this is the problem. No one is controlling them in towns and cities.”

In a move which may have angered many, it has emerged that the new Prime Minster, David Cameron has abolished the position of Minister for London and plans to devolve more powers to the Mayor.

After it was announced that the government office for London would close as part of cost-cutting exercises, it has been revealed that Bozza will get more powers. These important, groundbreaking new powers apparently involve bringing the Homes and Communities agency in house and – get this – making the Royal Parks Agency accountable to the Mayor.

Londoners – you might as well tattoo numbers to your foreheads and cede your soul to Johnson now. I mean, as well as deciding what the tube fare will be, he can now directly influence how much mulch and fertiliser the Royal Parks Agency use. It’s like George Orwell’s 1984 has come to pass….

Ahem.

Interestingly, DaveCam appointed successive shadow ministers for London while in opposition. And, the former Labour minister for London, Jim Fitzpatrick, told the London Evening Standard: “London generates at least 18% of the nation’s wealth, and it’s frankly ridiculous for this city not to have its own minister liaising between the mayor and the prime minister and rest of Whitehall.

“It’s dead sneaky for David Cameron to slip this out. Whatever happened to open government?”