Boris says awesome things...

As far as we can tell here at Boriswatch HQ, barely a week goes by without either a) newspapers claiming Boris is losing a deputy mayor or other staff member or b) there being an unholy row about Something To Do With Transport.

This week it’s b) again, after the Rail Maritime and Transport Union claims it has received a leaked document, entitled Minimum Staffing Levels, which it warned would lead to cuts in Tube station jobs.

RMT general secretary, Bob Crow, isn’t a happy bunny. “Despite all the election promises from London Mayor Boris Johnson that he would not cut back on operational staff and ticket offices, the truth of what is going on behind closed doors at LU and TfL is starting to emerge and it is clear that the cash-saving measures under discussion would devastate Tube safety.”

Crow continued (having watched too many James Bond espionage thrillers, I think), “RMT is committed to fighting these plans and we will continue to alert the London travelling public and Tube workers to the scale of the attack that is being cooked up for the capital’s transport system in secret meetings.”

Secret meetings? ‘Scale of the attack’? ‘Cooked up for the Capital’? I don’t think it’s the Mayor’s office we should be talking to, I think it’s MI5. Anyone seen anything strange going on at Piz Gloria….?

If you believe what you read in the Daily Mirror (which, if I did, would presumably mean that I believe that anyone who has ever played Premier League football spends their weekends on cocaine fuelled romps with busty underwear models), these two charming ex-Etonians aren’t friends anymore.

Under a headline which leaves little open to interpretation – “Boris Johnson wants David Cameron’s job” – the Mirror alleges that Bozza (if I may steal a line from the terrific Chris Addison) is little more than ’skin stretched over ambition’.

The former Deputy Mayor of London, Ian Clement, says Boris believes he has a “divine right to rule the country”. Apparently, Clement claims, Boris has had foul-mouthed, four-letter rants about Cameron, who he believes is less talented than he is.

Clement continues, “Boris is arrogant. He thinks, ‘I’m more intelligent than Dave, I’m more popular than Dave, I’d do a better job than Dave’.” (Again, we presume he’s referring to Cameron here, and not claiming that 24 hours of Boris would be preferable to endless repeats of Top Gear and Mock the Week).

“After his many dressing-downs Boris became frustrated and would stomp about, slamming doors and going into an incoherent rant muttering words like ‘c***’ and ‘f***’ and banging his fist on the table. His frustration came from the view that he could do Dave’s job better.”

Whatever next? The future Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland muttering worlds like ‘camp’ and ‘farm’? Banging his fist on the table? WHAT SORT OF BEHAVIOUR IS THIS?

*faints*

Bozza’s never far from people having a pop at a decision he has made, it seems.  You can please some of the people all of the time, and all of the people all of the time, and some of all of the London people nearly all of the time in London, but it seems that you can’t please all of the Londoners all of the time, somewhere in London.

Or something.

Anyway, City Hall has cut the funding for a number of multicultural events including Black History Month, Africa Day and St Patrick’s Day.  Instead, however, we are going to have a USA! Day! at which we can all stand in the middle of London’s pavements, blocking pedestrians whilst trying to photograph a famous landmark and eating a doughnut.

USA! Day! is getting £100,000, apparently, which by our calculations still won’t be enough for the size of buffet you’d need to do the USA proud. Also, we’re not entirely sure what the point of it is, as if I went to New York on my holidays, the last thing I’d probably want to do is attend a street party where I could sing God Save The Queen and eat a slice of black pudding.

Another winner is St George’s Day, which is also getting an extra £100,000.  However, the GLA isn’t, apparently, “a cash cow nor a financial lifeline”. The Mayor’s spokesman added, “The GLA does not own Black History Month or Africa Day, but we would hope community groups would be able to develop programmes that mark these in a similar way.”

It’s amazing what you learn on a day to day basis here at Boriswatch HQ.  Today, for example, I was reminded that Boris’s ex-wife is called Allegra Mostyn-Owen.  In the same way that the Beckham’s named their child Brooklyn after where he was conceived, presumably Mostyn-Owen’s parents had it off in the back of an old Austin nine months before the arrival of their daughter.

And, today, I also learned that the London Development Authority has offices in Mumbai and Delhi.  Well, I say “has offices” – more accurately it “had offices” as they have recently been closed.

They were set up by Ken Livingstone with a view to promoting Indian development in London (the Indians are the second biggest investors in London after the Yanks) and, in principle, it seems like a bright enough idea.

Of course the problem with closing the offices isn’t the damage that decision directly makes (the offices might be a spectacular waste of money, for all we know) but it is the message that shutting them down sends out that has become the issue.

Colin Stanbridge, chief executive of the London Chamber of Commerce and Industry, said: “It is essential that we maintain offices in Delhi and Mumbai so that we can continue to market London in one of the fastest growing economies in the world. If we are not out there selling London as the best place in the world to do business, our international rivals will be more than happy to fill the vacuum.”

Apparently, in a particularly Fagin-esque way, Bozza’s office is now ‘reviewing the situation’. Can a villain be a villain all his life? All the trials, and trib…[Snip! - Boriswatch Ed]

As the last Olympic Games before London 2012 continues in Vancouver this week, Trafalgar Square has marked this fact by installing an ice sculpture of the five Olympic rings.

Visitors to central London will also be able to try their hand at winter sports such as bobsleigh, snowboarding and skiing.  Really?  I didn’t realise the weather in London had been that extreme….

[They haven't built the Cresta Run down Charing Cross Road - the winter games are on video consoles stationed around the Square - Boriswatch Ed].

Bozza, presumably, likes a bit of Wii action (not a euphemism). “Whilst we can not bring the snowy slopes of Whistler to London, we are offering a fantastic day of interactive fun and competition to the heart of the host city for the next summer games.”

Even though it doesn’t have much directly to do with Bozza, the General Election looms large.

According to that most reliable of political sources – the Daily Mirror – Gordon Brown has told Labour bosses to gear up for a snap election after a series of disastrous polls for the Tories. Six opinion polls have put the Tory lead over Labour at below 10 points – a shrinking margin which would leave Cameron short of a majority and mean a hung parliament.

There was another headache for Mr Cameron last night when bookies slashed the odds on an outright Tory victory. William Hill predicted that if the Tories under-achieved on polling day, Mr Cameron would face a swift challenge to his leadership from none other than, you’ve guessed it, London Mayor Boris Johnson.

The bookmakers have installed Bozza as the 5/1 second favourite to succeed David Cameron as leader of the Conservative Party behind, strangely, William Hague. With George Osborne as third favourite, it appears to be officially the case that the four poshest men in Britain are vying for the position.

The Mirror would have a field day.

We at Boriswatch HQ absolutely *love* these surveys.  You know the ones – they get a load of ‘average’ (ahem) British people and show them pictures of politicians to see if they recognise them.

Some of the results are as you”d expect.  Gordon Brown is the most recognised politician, with David Cameron in second place.  (There were still 19% of people that couldn’t match Gordo’s image with his name, though.)

Some of the other results, mind you, are hilarious.

For example, when shown a picture of Nick Clegg, 41% of people thought it was Peter Jones off of Dragon’s Den.  Only 27% actually spotted it was the Lib Dem leader.

One in three people thought that the leader of the BNP was Peter Griffin, the green-trousered anti-hero of TV animation Family Guy.  (Mind you, more people recognised Nick Griffin than Nick Clegg, which is either worrying or a sign to Clegg that he should spice up his policies a bit.)

And, more people recognised Celebrity Big Brother evictee Katia Ivanova than recognised secretary of state for Justice Jack Straw and home secretary Alan Johnson combined, with 61 per cent correctly identifying Ronnie Wood’s former flame compared to just 24 per cent and 18 per cent for the politicians respectively.

However, naturally, the ‘most popular’ of all our politicians was BoJo himself.  62% of respondents said they would like to go for a drink with our Bozza, compared to just 9% who’d like to go for a glass of 1945 Chateau Lafite pint with David Cameron.

Bozza has this week joined Arsenal, Tottenham Hotspur and Wembley Stadium chiefs to lead London’s 2018 FIFA World Cup bid.

He has been appointed chair of London United, the group leading the capital’s contribution to the England 2018 Fifa World Cup bid.

Arsenal Football Club chief executive Ivan Gazidis, Tottenham Hotspur chairman Daniel Levy and Wembley Stadium managing director Roger Maslin have been unveiled as other members of the London United team, which is supported by England 2018 and London council representatives.

FA chairman Lord Triesman said: “We are delighted that the Mayor has decided to chair London United. It demonstrates that the bid has political support at the highest level and that London is fully committed to bringing the World Cup to England.”

Bozza responded with a quote he lifted directly from The Big Book Of Football Cliches.  He said: “I am delighted London is included as part of England’s bid to host the World Cup in 2018.  We have brought together a crack new team to build on the first stage of the bid and get that first goal in the back of the net.”

Game of two halves, innit?