Boris says awesome things...

I tell you what, he is a force for good, our Boris.

Not content with trying to make the lives of millions of Londoners better, and going around the world to promote the city with other Mayors and world leaders, Bozza is now representing the Earth by trying to negotiate with our deadliest enemy: the Daleks.

The Mayor has been meeting Davros this week.  According to the press release, “The Mayor has a packed schedule of speaking engagements and one to one meetings with business chiefs and influential policymakers” including, we understand, Davros, the leader of the Daleks, himself.

With the Doctor crashing towards Earth having recently regenerated, it has been up to Boris to try and negotiate a truce with this evil race.  We understand he will then attempt to come to a trade agreement with the Cybermen in ord…[Whoa, whoa, whoa.  I think you will find that Boris has been in 'a meeting in Davos', not 'meeting Davros' - Boriswatch Ed]

Oh.

He’s a scamp, old Bozza.

After his appearance in BBC’s flagship drama soap Eastenders last year, it seems he’s now trying out for another popular BBC show – Strictly Come Dancing.

This video – filmed at the City Hall Christmas bash – shows BoJo shaking his, er, BoJo on a particularly 80s inspired dancefloor.

It’s not his dancing that’s particularly worrying, but that of the other fella, whoever he may be.

Whilst it is pretty funny (and pretty embarrassing), there by the grace of God go any of us who have ever had too many mulled wines at a work Christmas party, eh?

Before you start, this is not us dumbing-down Boriswatch with the sort of lewd clap-trap more generally associated with the Daily Telegraph Daily Sport.

I should perhaps explain.  [Yes, that's a very good idea before I get a call from the lawyers - Boriswatch Ed]

Mr Spunky is married to Carrier Von Reichardt, also known as the Baroness. They are part of a group of 200 specially chosen individuals who have been assigned with the task of decorating 200 fibreglass elephants which will then descend on the parks, streets and squares of the capital in May, June and July.

Elephant Parade London (I’m not making this up) is aimed at highlighting the plight of the Indian elephant, whose population has reduced to just 30,000. The elephants will be auctioned at Sotheby’s once the exhibition is over. Other world famous designers who will be decorating an elephant (not a euphemism) include Marc Wuinn, Lulu Guinness and Diane von Furstenberg (no, me neither).

Boris supports the scheme, of course, as do Stephen Fry, Joanna Lumley and Michael Palin.  Naturally.

*lies down*

Whilst we absolutely salute Boris’ efforts to get more kids growing their own fruit and vegetables, we at Boriswatch HQ did chuckle this week at the array of prizes on offer for the ‘top food growing school’.

The ‘Capital Growth’ competition invites the city’s primary school children to grow their own fruit and vegetables. Bozza said the competition would provide children with a hands-on experience in “growing your own grub”.

“There is much top notch work taking place by green fingered teachers and pupils across the capital already, which I salute,” he said. “We want to help cultivate this growing appetite for locally grown food, reward the top performers and bring more schools into the Capital Growth fold.”

In order to do this, the top schools across a range of categories will win:

“a visit by a celebrity gardener, cash prizes of £500, plants and a wormery.”

A wormery and Alan Titchmarsh poking round your aubergines. That’s one of the least attractive prizes we’ve ever heard.

If there’s one thing you don’t EVER want your politicians to do, it’s try and get jiggy with the youth.  It never works, does it?

So today, when outlining his support for 2010’s Big Dance on Twitter, BoJo uttered:

“Join the fun in July & in the words of @ladygaga JUST DANCE!”?

We’d love to know if Bozza actually knows who Lady GaGa is…

The 2012 Olympics allows us a once in a generation chance to set targets and goals.  Inspired by the Olympic ideals we, and our children, can all pull in one direction to reach whatever challenges we set ourselves.  It’s a chance to really put the Great into Great Britain.

Boris knows this, and has this week set a huge challenge to all Londoners in time for the 2012 games.

We Are Going To Be A Plastic Bag Free City By 2012.

I know. Inspirational, isn’t it?

“If all U.K. shoppers cut out just one in five bags, it would save about 40,000 tons of CO2 equivalent greenhouse gases a year – equivalent to taking over 12,500 cars off the road for a year,” Bozza said. Shops are going to start offering more reusable bags and charge for standard plastic ones (I presume that means they won’t have their brand logo on the bag? I don’t see why I should pay to advertise a store by carrying their bag around…)

Apparently, we use an average of 220 plastic bags each, every year. So, why not let’s join together in this one common goal, link arms and say “Yes!” to the Mayor’s Olympic challenge. Sod the gold medals, eh?

There’s been an awful lot of knee-jerk reactions to the hot topic of ‘bankers bonuses’ over the last few months.

Whilst some of the bonuses seem excessive – particularly for senior personnel who took their bank to the brink of collapse – slashing bonuses for thousands of staff who have earned them fair and square does seem a little bit harsh.

And, thank heavens that someone understands this situation and can bring something of a level head and some common sense to this argument.  That person, of course, is the Mayor himself.

In a letter to Alistair Darling, Boris has asked for an urgent meeting to discuss how to reverse “the damage done to perceptions of London as a global financial centre” by the Chancellor’s introduction of a 50p income tax rate for top earners and a temporary 50% levy on banking bonuses over £25,000.

Bozza told Darling that “I believe that the Government’s current policy towards financial services is ill-judged. You have made unilateral changes to taxation that risk damaging London’s competitiveness and its status, alongside New York, as the world’s leading financial services centre.”

Boris also points out the pertinent statistic that the financial services sector provides around 8% of UK output and one in every seven pounds collected in tax. With thousands of staff at many major companies requesting relocation out of London these moves could significantly damage London’s reputation as the world’s leading financial services centre as well as actually reducing taxation income.

Perhaps, rather than jumping on the over-reactive Daily Mail bandwagon we should sit down and make some more rational decisions on this topic? It’s a blessed relief that at least someone can see the very sensible counter-argument to all this  ‘banker-bashing’.

It’s a tough life being an Olympic official.  Not only are you showered with gifts by potential host nations for years at a time, but you have to suffer through large buffet lunches and fly all around the world to exotic locations before deciding which country you’d like to bankrupt next by awarding them the Olympic Games.

And now, Boris has urged all Olympic officials to make all ‘non-essential’ journeys in 2012 by public transport.  I bet IOC officials don’t even know what a ‘bus’ is.

At an Olympic Games, what journeys would an Olympic official be making that weren’t ‘non-essential’, do you suppose?  A trip to the beautiful new badminton centre Wembley Arena if they fancied watching a bit of Gail Emms on their day off, perhaps?

Anyway, Bozza has discussed this with none other than IOC president Jacques Rogge. IOC spokesman Mark Adams says Rogge will encourage people to use public transport “where appropriate.”

If that isn’t a “thanks for calling, Bozza! Now bugger off” response, I don’t know what is.

Where London leads, others follow.  The city has become the first in the UK today to agree a plan whereby road users will have to pay for a permit if they want to use roads being dug up by roadworks.

David Brown, Managing Director of Surface Transport, TfL, said: “Roadworks are a major contributor of traffic congestion in London – if they aren’t properly managed, they can cause huge frustration for everyone who uses the roads. The London Permit Scheme will allow TfL to better manage utility works on the major roads in London, helping to ensure greater co-ordination of works between contractors and reduce instances where the same section of road is repeatedly dug up.”

It will cost Londoners £5 per day if they want to use a road that is being dug up. The hope is that people will save the £5 and use alternative routes, reducing congestion on the roads being worked on.

Bozza said “This significant step shows London has got serious about dealing with the nonsensical situation of companies being able to simply turn up and dig without a care in the world for the consequences. It will… reduce disruption and Londoners frustration.”

The plan is expected to [Whoa, whoa, whoa - Boriswatch Ed.  I think you've got the wrong end of the stick, here.  Perhaps you should re-read the article?]

*hmmm. Peers over specs at news report*

“The capital’s roads will become the first in the country to operate a scheme where utility companies and other organisations will have to apply for permission first before digging them up.  Transport for London and 16 of the capital’s boroughs have officially launched a permit scheme that means any company digging holes without permission or breaking the conditions of their permit risks being fined. It is hoped the move will reduce the 300,000 holes dug in London’s roads each year by utility companies, by encouraging companies to work together.”

Oh.  I like my plan better….

For anyone that hasn’t noticed (and we at Boriswatch HQ don’t know why they haven’t been covering this story in the media) it’s been snowing a bit.  Bozza has been on Twitter imitating a concerned old grandad urging Londoners to be on the lookout for their neighbours, and he’s also stepped in this week to ensure London gets its fair amount of salt for the roads.

Unbelievably (and we at BHQ have had to read this several times before we believed it) the Government have a strategic body in place called the ‘Salt Cell’ whose job is to allocate salt.  This is not a joke.  The Salt Heap Allocation Group work in conjuction with the Salt Heavy Industrial Team to decide where in the country the salt should be delivered to.

And Boris was Not Happy as there was no representative from London on either SHAG or SHIT. Despite containing representatives from the Welsh Assembly and Scottish Parliament, London now has a voice on SHAG. Bozza’s nomination of David Brown, Managing Director of Surface Transport at Transport for London, has been accepted. David will join the Salt Cell’s meeting taking place tomorrow at SHIT HQ.  [Perhaps the picture above is of a SHIT heap? - Boriswatch Ed].

Bozza demanded that the Government pass the salt. “In London we have done everything feasible to prepare for the bad weather, but we are now at a point where the government’s salt cell supply system is faltering. This is not a dress rehearsal, it is the real thing, and everything must be done to get the supply moving and avoid the situation of London running out of salt to keep the roads open. We have now secured a strategic voice for London on the body that prioritises who gets the salt, and this way we can ensure that London gets its fair share.”

No wonder this country is 15 gazillion quid in the red, honestly.