Boris says awesome things...

….no, it isn’t a new Wes Craven film, it’s the new menace facing the streets of London, apparently.

The latest Government figures show that 820 cyclists were killed or seriously injured in the three months to June 2009, a 19% rise on the same period in 2008.One of the main factors being cited in this rise is the use of headphones by cyclists on London’s streets.  However, it is not known how many of these cases were caused by people listening to music because the Department of Transport and the police do not record this information.

Last year an Oxfordshire coroner, Nicholas Gardiner, recorded a verdict of accidental death after a seventeen year old cyclist pulled out in front of an oncoming car whilst wearing earphones. He said, “They ought to take a minimum amount of care over their safety. It seems to me ridiculous to deprive yourself of what is the second most important of your senses.”

There is currently no legislation in place to govern either the use of music players or the wearing of helmets on the road, but cyclists can be prosecuted for dangerous riding — an offence that attracts a maximum penalty of £2,500. Boris has promised has promised “complete zero tolerance of cyclists who break the rules” (would that include party colleague David Cameron who was spotted riding his cycle through a red light in London earlier this year, I wonder?)

The Mayor plans to give even greater leeway to cyclists, to encourage people to switch to one of the greenest forms of transport. He is studying the possibility of allowing cyclists to ride through red lights on left turns at a junction.

An exclusive video was released this morning of Boris opening a new Morrisons supermarket. Seems a popular guy around there….

Bozza has been asked to participate in a new Radio 4 series to be broadcast in 2010 which charts the one hundred objects that helped shape the course of human history.

Selected from the extensive collections of the British Museum, these one hundred objects will be presented in a landmark Radio 4 series tracing the history of the world from the origins of human life millions of years ago to the present day. There will be one hundred programmes, each lasting fifteen minutes and they will be broadcast in chronological order throughout 2010. It took the British Museum two years to whittle down its eight million artefacts to just one hundred items.

It is understood that the Mayor will talk about a bronze head of Augustus, the Roman emperor who ruled at the time of Christ (the fella in the picture above). Other items included are the Rosetta Stone, the famous Sutton Hoo helmet and more recent inventions, such as the credit card.

The first section of A History Of The World is scheduled to broadcast from January 18. It will air three times a day, firstly at 9.45am, before being repeated at 7.45pm and at 12.30am.

Apparently, according to Boris, the Oysterisation of London has begun (We at Boriswatch HQ are waiting for the new Doctor Who to intervene, but as yet, nothing).

I’m not sure about these Oyster cards, myself.  They do look quite bulky to carry, in my opinion, as it’s taking the Mayor’s transport advisor Kulveer “Power” Ranger and some fella called Sean Collins to carry one.  I’m not sure how it is going to make the underground run any faster with six million people lugging one of these bad boys around.

(We at Boriswatch HQ have got our latest money making pitch ready for the Dragons, though – we’ve come up with giant leather wallets made out of one whole cow that can store your new Oyster card in so you don’t have to get it out (as it were) at every ticket barrier. We are offering 25% of our company for a £50,000 investment, if anyone is interested).

Commuters with one of our Deluxe Leather Boris Oyster Pockets TM will be able to use Oyster Pay as you go on overground rail services in the capital from January 2, creating, for the first time, a fully integrated transport payment system for London.  Lord Andrew Adonis [is that his real name? Boriswatch Ed] said Oysterisation “would transform travel in London”. With the new card being the equivalent of carrying a small child around, I am sure that will undoubtedly be true….

In a bid to encourage people to return to drinking a cup of humble tap water, Boris has unveiled a restored drinking fountain in the middle of one of London’s biggest tourist attractions.

Although Trafalgar Square’s water fountain was originally installed in 1960, it has undergone a major revamp to ensure it provides free water to thirsty visitors. The granite and brass water fountain on the east side of the square has been restored to full working order, retaining its original features with brand new water pipes. It will be inspected on a daily basis to ensure high standards of cleanliness and hygiene.

“It is fantastic news that a refreshing gulp of free London tap water is now available to the millions of people who visit Trafalgar Square every year,” Bozza explained. “Many old drinking fountains lie dormant and I hope this newly restored feature helps to ‘untap’ [see what he did, there? - Boriswatch Ed] a new trend in civic planning.”

Boris’ campaign to bring tourists to London was hailed a marvellous success this week (by Boris, admittedly, so here’s a pinch of salt for you to take with this news).

The £2million ‘Only in London’ campaign, which involved helping to pay for Easyjet and Ryanair adverts in foreign cities has generated £50million in additional revenue for London, claimed the Mayor.

The campaign (and clearly not the beneficial exchange rate which has made everything miles cheaper in London than elsewhere.  Ahem) brought in 6% more tourists this summer who each spent an additional £34 each (or, one cup of coffee in a Fortnum and Mason cafe).

“Now is not the time to be complacent though,” Bozza warned. “We are working on a strong, recognisable and iconic identity to tie together the diverse strands that make up the London brand.” he also committed a further £400,000 to the campaign by next March.

So, the Daily Mirror have compiled a “Top Ten Embarrassing Political Moments To Make You Cringe” list.  We know where this is going, don’t we….?

Yep, at number Five is Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger’s stinging assessment of Bozza’s oratory talents when watching the mayor give a speech via video link.

“He’s fumbling all over the place”, said the former Mr Universe (with no apparent sense of irony considering the longest sentence he ever had to utter in one of his so-called ‘films’ was “I’ll be back.”)

Whilst I’m not sure Boris’ inclusion is particularly fair, it is worth having a look at the list just to remind ourselves of some of the other clips.  John Redwood’s is particularly brilliant, and you can never get tired of watching a compilation of Dubya blunders, can you?

This is Boris speaking at the inaugural Street Pastors conference in London at the weekend.

Street Pastors is “an inter-denominational Church response to urban problems, engaging with people on the streets to care, listen and dialogue.” The group have seen tremendous growth since their launch in London in 2003, having expanded across London to the rest of England, Wales, Scotland and Ireland. Internationally, the ministry has spread to Antigua and Barbuda, preparations are being made to launch Street Pastors in Australia in 2010.

Boris addressed the conference on Saturday and said “We can’t just transform the physical infrastructure because that’s not what really counts. What counts is the human capital of London. It’s the young people of London that we need to invest in if this city is to lengthen its lead as the greatest city on Earth. Street Pastors are already doing what you can and I think it is high time London knew more about what you did and the whole of London followed your example.”

Boris has also indicated a desire to address next year’s Street Pastors conference.  The fact it is being held in Barbuda had no bearing on this, obviously….

Something we have all known for some time has been formally endorsed this week – Boris is London’s Most Important Person.

In a list compiled by an panel of journalists and experts (and part of the Standard’s “The 1,000″ – an annual survey to find the capital’s most influential people) Boris came out on top.

Bozza was described as “unique and unmissable” despite having lost three deputy mayors (that old Yes, Prime Minister scene about “to lose one Cabinet Minister is unfortunate, to lose two looks like carelessness” springs to mind.)

Anyway, the Mayor topped the list ahead of such luminaries as Gordon Brown, David Cameron and Dizzee Rascal (more important than the London transport commissioner, apparently.  Bonkers.)

Geordie Greig, editor of the Standard, said that the list showed just how important London is to those who want to get ahead whatever their field of expertise.  He said that the sheer concentration of influential people in London was one of the things that made it so great. And its Mayor, of course.

What do Katie Price, Osama bin Laden, Wayne Rooney, Gordon Brown and Colonel Gadaffi have in common?

No, they haven’t all got babies with daft names, and no, they don’t share awful handwriting (although I have never seen Gadaffi’s scrawl, so I couldn’t possibly comment.)

They have all been identified in a survey as “the people we’d least like to have to sit next to on an aeroplane.”  I think it’s a bit harsh, frankly – I think Gordon would be quite an interesting person to sit next to.  Although quite how much you’d panic if you ended up on a 747 next to bin Laden, I’m not sure.

In an attempt to return back to something approaching a point, the survey also discovered those people we’d quite like to be stuck on a transatlantic flight alongside (if only for the fact that it would mean we’d probably be in first class, considering the company we chose.)  The Queen, Helen Mirren (one and the same person, ha ha ha), Cheryl Cole, Barack Obama and, of course, Boris himself were amongst the list of the people we wouldn’t mind having to sit next to on our journey.

Bozza did finish underneath Angelina Jolie, mind (insert your own gag here).