Boris says awesome things...

Just a reminder (if it were needed) that Bozza becomes the first elected British official to appear on the long-running BBC drama soap Eastenders this Thursday from 7.30pm.

He’s the first real-life person to make a cameo appearance (apparently) since Peter Purves in 1987.  In top quality A-list company, then…..

Andy Medhurst, senior lecturer in media and cultural studies at the University of Sussex, said Johnson has not only marked the first appearance on a soap by an elected politician, but that he is no doubt also the first EastEnders character to boast an educational background which takes in Eton and Oxford. “He is not from that milieu,” said Medhurst. “By appearing on the soap he will appear to be a man of the people.”

We at Boriswatch Towers aren’t sure that Boris would be seen as a ‘man of the people’ even if he went on Celebrity Wife Swap with Mr Kerry Katona shortly before bungee jumping into custard for Ant & Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway. But still….

[Interesting how the BBC seem to value the Thames more than Transport for London do, by the way.  It's never disappeared from the opening credits of Stenders for the last two decades....]

It’s coming up to Question Time’s 30th birhday and so the Mail asked some famous guests for their views and thoughts on the longrunning current affirs show.  Along with political heavyweights like Piers Morgan and Kirstie Allsopp (yes, honestly), BoJo was asked for his opinions.

Warning: his response includes the words “John McEnroe” and “voice in my head”.  Never a dull moment….

“My most memorable moment was actually not taking part in the show.  At moments of supreme stress, a little John McEnroe voice comes on in my head, shrieking against the injustices of fate.  Out of good manners I try to bottle him up, but that day he was beside himself.  “You cannot be serious!” he shouted silently, as the man from Midland Mainline gave his latest bulletin on the health of the railway signals ahead.  I was sitting on a train, heading towards Question Time – and time was running out.  There was another wretched apology over the loudspeaker.  “No!” wailed the voice in my head.  “I just do not believe it!”

I was about not to appear on television.  Across the country, thousands of people – well, maybe a few dozen; at any rate, a handful of friends and family – were staying up to watch me on Question Time.  What would they see?  What would the producers put in my place?  A tub of lard, no doubt, or some amusing straw-topped effigy.  They actually broadcast the fact that I had ‘missed the train’.  It became the source of much hilarity, but thankfully I have been asked back many times since, and always enjoyed appearing.”

The Guardian really have something against Mayor Boris. A avid twitterer @chickerino found, the amount of articles against the Mayor, considerably supported by one of its main bloggers Dave Hill, is getting quite substantial. Here’s a screenshot of the top discussed articles today:

(Spotted by @chickerino )

Here, at Boriswatch Towers (I have been trying to come up with some way of incorporating ‘HQ’ into the address so we’d be BHQ which sounds a bit like B&Q for comedy effect, but to no avail [er, are we done, here? - Boriswatch Ed]) we’re constantly amazed at the range of topics the Mayor gets involved with.

Whether it’s rape counselling centres, bicycle events, New York tourism or London Fashion Week there seems to be no topic that’s out of bounds.

High heels are probably the clearest demonstration of how fashion and practicality don’t mix, and in England, unions are calling for working women to wear more sensible shoes. The motion, introduced by the Society of Chiropodists and Podiatrists, is part of push to ensure safety in the workplace [this is for real, by the way. This isn't a joke - Boriswatch Ed.]  The Society says that wearing high heels can cause blisters, corns and callus, and even serious foot, knee and back pain.

The news item adds “London Mayor Boris Johnson has insisted there won’t be a ban on high heels while he’s in office.”

Right. There you go, then.  Glad BoJo has a view on *that* burning issue….

Boris has turned milkman for a morning – by delivering a pint for thirsty BBC staff.

The Big Bozza had been due to pop in to BBC London 94.9FM’s studios for his monthly guest slot. But staff had run out of milk for their morning tea after moving into a new studio at Broadcasting House and had still to set up a regular delivery.
So newsreader Jason Rosam sent a message via Twitter which read: “Could you please bring some milk into our new studios when you come in later please? We desperately need some tea!”

BoJo spotted the request and obliged by bringing in a pint of semi-skimmed.

(thanks to an anonymous Boriswatch reader for the tip!)

Boris recently opened London Fashion Week, and new filtered out about the stellar speech Boris gave. Happily, on a very early Sunday morning, Boriswatch Towers have stumbled over a video of the speech, in which Boris is standing beside a large hat-cake and an unusually tall woman. True story.

Here it is:

This is Transport for London’s new, updated Tube map.

Notice anything missing?

Boris did, on his return from New York and, according to a City Hall source, “hit the roof.” Yes, they’ve decided to not only take away the zonal bands, but also, rather oddly, the River Thames.

A spokesman for Mr Johnson said: “The Mayor has ordered that the river be reinstated at the earliest opportunity without incurring any further cost.” Bozza’s Twitter page said, “Can’t believe that the Thames disappeared off the tube map whilst I was out the country! It will be reinstated….”

Transport for London didn’t bank on the public outcry, and so the Thames will be back when the map is updated again in December.  They are also considering reintroducing the zones (which would be useful for most people, I guess, who need to know, like, how much to pay for their ticket).

Honestly.  Who approves these ludicrous “change for change’s sake” decisions?

So, Boris’ short jaunt to New York is over and it appears to have been an unqualified success…if his Tweets were anything to go by.  There’s been much Twit [ahem - Boriswatch Ed] action over the last few days as Boris has sped around the American metropolis in the company of Mayor Bloomberg.

The Mayor took time out during his trip to meet the Broadway cast of the hit show Billy Elliot, the multi Tony award winning show as well as addressing a packed lecture hall at Columbia University.

Boris seems to have made a bit of a splash in NY, wowing businesspeople, investors and the public alike whilst promoting London as a tourist and business destination.  From his travel blog I particularly like his description of a party thrown by Mayor Bloomberg at his private home where Bozza “…shouldn’t really say who was there but can’t resist mentioning the adorable Emma Thompson.” Namedrop, darling.

Boriswatch signs off with a passing comment on this photo of BoJo on the Piccadilly Line this morning on his way home from the airport. That’s quite some hangover jetlag, he has there….

"No, I don't know what you do with it, either."

Bozza’s been in his home city of New York this week promoting the merits of London as a tourist destination.  In an attempt to keep millions of American tourist dollars visiting the capital BoJo has agreed to a ’swap’ in which New York’s buses will feature advertisements for London, and vice versa.

In addition, Boris announced that the premiere of the Disney movie A Christmas Carol will be held in London in December, and loitering around the Disney store was where this snap was taken.  He took time out to hold up for the cameras before dropping immediately sample a New York pretzel from vendor Emam Elguoshey.

Whilst he’s been in New York, Bozza has also managed to wade into the Lockerbie bomber row. “Had I been in charge, I would not have released him. It seems to be completely crazy,” said the Mayor. “It’s a complete mockery of justice. It’s a betrayal of the victims of the Lockerbie Bomber.”

He didn’t stop there, either. Oh no. He continued, “It’s the single most disreputable and mysterious episode in this government’s recent history – and that’s in a fairly hotly contested field.”

Insurance group Aviva’s website has just been awarded the Internet Crystal Mark for simple and direct language by Plain English Campaign and to commemorate this fact the insurer commissioned a survey to identify the public’s top 10 favourite gobbledygook phrases.

Needless to say, Boris made the list at #10 with this classic line from one of his Have I Got News For You? appearances:

“I could not fail to disagree with you less.”

It’s worth outlining the rest of the Top Ten as we at Boriswatch Towers like a good selection of jibberish…

9. George W Bush
“I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe – I believe what I believe is right.”

8. Eric Cantona
“When the seagulls follow the trawler, it’s because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea.”

7. Bill Clinton (during his grand jury testimony about the Monica Lewinsky affair)
“It depends upon what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is. If ‘is’ means ‘is and never has been’ that’s one thing – if it means ‘there is none’, that was a completely true statement.”

6. Gordon Brown
“Total spending will continue to rise and it will be a zero per cent rise in 2013-14.”

5. John Motson
“For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are playing in yellow.”

4. Murray Walker
“The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.”

3. Donald Rumsfeld
“Reports that say that something hasn’t happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns – the ones we don’t know we don’t know.”

2. Arnold Schwarzenegger (who, by the way, once said Boris was talking rubbish)
“I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman.”

1. George W Bush [no surprise there - Boriswatch Ed]
“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways gobbledygook to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
Brilliant.