Boris says awesome things...

We at Boriswatch Towers always like a good “top ten” list and when our very own Boris makes it to such a list it’s normally time to crack open the Blue Nun in celebration.  At first, BoJo’s latest inclusion in such a rundown seemed to be somewhat negative, but considering the company he is keeping we think he’s done well to make it to the list.

Yes, Bozza has been named in the “Top Ten Swearing Politicians.”

His particular “f”-fuelled tirade was directed at Keith Vaz, the Labour chair of the Commons Home Affairs committee after Vaz called the Mayor “uncooperative” and “confused”.  Boris’ telephone call to Vaz apparently contains ten instances of the “f” word although a surprisingly accurate transcript of the conversation has led many to question whether the call was taped, which is against Parliamentary protocol.

Whilst it is a robust amount of industrial language, Boris only just makes the top Ten list behind such political luminaries as Aussie PM Kevin Rudd (used the term “s**t-storm” in a TV interview), Barack Obama (his narrated memoirs include a number of, er, unrepeatable moments) and John Major’s famous use of the term “b**tards” to describe members of his Cabinet.

What we at the Towers particularly love about this story is whilst Vaz’s transcript contains several uses of the “f” word, it does not include a word that Boris does admit to having used in the conversation.  BoJo confesses to using the absolutely brilliant term “cock-o-maniac” during the call, which we here at BHQ have added to our lexicon of insults for future usage.

Johnson’s F Word

"How do we look, Bozza?" "Ridiculous, Dave."

After the controversy surrounding Boris’ forthcoming appearance on popular BBC drama [read "soap" - Boriswatch Ed] Eastenders, Channel Four are now facing accusations of a lack of impartiality in the run up to the next General Election.

Hamish Mykura, head of digital channel More 4 and of documentaries across the Channel Four group has just commissioned the ninety minute drama When Boris Met Dave which is likely to be aired in the autumn, prompting angry reactions from (interestingly) Tory MP’s who believe it will affect voters decisions in the forthcoming election.

Bozza will be played by 26 year old Christian Brassington who, oddly, played Tony Blair in a 2006 drama entitled Tony Blair: Rock Star.  Cameron will be portrayed by 24 year old Jonny Sweet.  The drama will be penned by Toby Young, the bestselling author of How To Lose Friends And Alienate People and will focus on the school and university lives of the long-time friends from Eton to Oxford.  Of course Channel Four has a history of dramatizing politicians’ real lives having aired the story of Brown and Blair’s relationship in 2003′s The Deal.

We at Boriswatch Towers are looking forward to seeing a dramatisation of the young Boris but we can’t really see how it could be accused of any sort of political bias.  Is a drama about the lives of two well-known figures twenty years ago really going to alter people’s voting intentions?

One of Boris’ many official engagements this week was to perform the “topping out” ceremony at what will be London’s largest ever purpose built hotel.  The Park Plaza, Westminster with its thousand guest rooms is scheduled to open in early 2010 and will create eight hundred jobs.

BoJo performed the official ceremony and commented, “This impressive development has removed an awful eyesore that has blighted this corner of the capital for too long. A sparkling new hotel is just what the South Bank needs.”

“I am sure it will act as a major springboard for the regeneration plans for Waterloo Station and the surrounding area, on top of creating hundreds of jobs and boosting the local economy.”

The swanky topping out ceremony involved Boris, a spade and the ceremonial completion of the hotel’s external structure.  Old De Pfeffel was on top form, musing “London has been voted the number-one tourist destination in the world.  Do you think it is because we have the best command of the world’s best language? Though there are other countries where they profess to speak English, like America…â€?

Er, Boris?  You can put the shovel down and stop digging, now.

I'll have a hotel on Boris, please

If you’ve ever dreamed of emulation Boris and becoming the Lord Mayor of London…then now is your chance.

In aid of the Lord Mayor’s Appeal charities, the “City of London” board game has been launched where the aim is to reach Mansion House and become Lord Mayor by answering a series of questions about the city, its people and its landmarks.

The game costs the princely sum of £29.95 (or £25 if you buy it in person), although quite how challenging it is I am not sure.  According to the website the questions “are multiple choice and many of the answers are on the board or on the box.” So, as long as you can read the box, you’ll be OK. Hardly Trivial Pursuit, is it?

Still, considering the problems inherent in becoming Mayor of actually being nominated, undertaking a campaign and getting several million people to vote for you, I am sure Bozza would rather have thrown £30 at it and answered a few multiple choice questions about London’s culture…

New footage released to YouTube yesterday revealed the Mayor being ambushed by a group of female protestors over a delay in providing manifesto pledged funding for a series of rape crisis centres across London.

The protestors from the London Feminist Group stopped BoJo on his bicycle near City Hall and the mayor was forced to conduct an impromptu interview to defend his policy and the delay in allocating money promised in his election campaign over fourteen months ago.

To be fair to Bozza, despite being flustered by both the ambush and the howling wind (although it doesn’t take much of a breeze to ruffle the Johnson fringe) he kept remarkably calm and reaffirmed his commitment to opening several new centres in the capital before the end of his mayoral term.

“My hope is that when we have another three rape crisis centres, which we will, that you will give the credit to this administration because we put them in place and the last guy didn’t,” Boris confirmed…before pedalling away as fast as he could.

Carry On Mayoring

Just when you thought Boris’ life couldn’t get any more bizarre, it has been revealed that the mayor is going to star in the BBC drama Eastenders this autumn.

Boris will take the role of Reggie Mitchell, the long-lost brother of famous Walford hard-men Phil and Grant in the popular early evening series [Er, are you sure? - Boriswatch Editor]

No, seriously, BoJo is starring as himself in the soap and will wander into the Queen Vic this autumn to be confronted by an angry Peggy Mitchell (is there any other sort?) when the two become embroiled in a fierce debate about local politics.

According to the BBC, “The scene will be in an episode showing Peggy, who recently became involved in local politics, enduring a frustrating time trying to track him down.” Bozza was delighted to appear on the ratings-topping drama, saying “EastEnders is a true London icon and I was delighted to highlight to its huge audience the part the mayoralty plays in the city’s rich tapestry.”

We at Boriswatch Towers are eagerly awaiting the episode – we like watching the old blonde, vivacious, bubbly,  Londoner with a habit of putting their foot in their mouth (and it’ll be good to see Barbara Windsor as well….)

What's that, you say? Change something? Yes, sir!

With a general election on the horizon, it would be fair to say that the Tories could have been a little more pleased with Boris’ tenure as mayor thus far.  Many Conservatives were hoping to point to BoJo’s mayorship as an example of the success of a Tory administration but accusations of Bozza being a “do-nothing” politician refuse to go away.

Sir Simon Milton, Boris’ “chief of staff” (since when have we been using American political monikers for our civil servants?) made a sterling and impassioned defence of Boris’ record this week, savaging sceptics that think the mayor has done nothing of note since coming to office.

“Boris’s detractors acknowledge that he has delivered the vast majority of commitments he made during the election” Milton claimed, adding “From banning alcohol on the tube to listening to west Londoners about the extended congestion charge zone to freezing the council tax for the first time in the GLA’s history, Boris has delivered.”

Whilst it is acknowledged that BoJo has yet to really spell out his vision for London, Milton is confident that the mayor’s performance will help, not hinder the Conservative’s general election campaign. “There is, and will be, plenty for David Cameron to point to and say: ‘See what a difference a Conservative can make….”

What’s that, you say? Boris making a flippant comment that gets him into hot water?  Really?….

Yes, BoJo has been at it again, dismissing the £250,000 annual income he receives from writing for the Daily Telegraph as “chicken feed”.    “I don’t see why on a Sunday morning I shouldn’t knock off an article – if someone wants to pay me for that article then that’s their lookout…” Boris told the BBC.

It turns out that the Telegraph contract is worth significantly more to Bozza than the £140,000 he earns for his “day job” as Mayor of London. Johnson claimed that he writes as a means of relaxation anyway, and in a slightly bizarre defence of these earnings he told the Beeb “I write extremely fast”. (Here at Boriswatch Towers we also write extremely fast but it doesn’t appear to be earning us a quarter of a million smackers every year….)

In Boris’ defence, he should be commended for donating a significant part of these earnings to charity – in excess of £50,000 a year.

Liberal Democrat spokesperson Norman Baker isn’t impressed. “This is an enormous amount of money and for Boris Johnson to dismiss it as ‘chicken feed’ shows just how out of touch he and the Conservative party are from the reality of life for millions of Londoners struggling to make ends meet in the depths of a recession.”

Tory leader David Cameron is also likely to be unimpressed having ordered all Conservatives to give up their second jobs by December in order to fight the General Election campaign. Boris, however, isn’t sure if this rule applies to him – “Well I’m not a member of his shadow cabinet and I’d like to see what the detail of that is.”

£250,000 buys over two hundred tons of organic chicken feed and so here at Boriswatch we hope that he either has a big garage, or an awful lot of chickens….

Politicians have been much ridiculed in recent times for their attempts at using modern media tools.  From David’s WebCameron to Gordon’s infamous YouTube appearances our elected representatives often seem to fail to make the most of these new ways to connect with voters.

Not so Boris, however, who this week was praised for his use of the popular Twitter service.

er, Tweet?

It turns out that during the recent hot spell many London buses had their heating turned up to the maximum which made an already sweltering public transport service completely unbearable.  Drivers also told passengers that it was impossible to reduce the temperature in their buses.

The Mayor’s Twitter site was inundated during the heatwave with messages from boiling hot passengers complaining about the heat on their services.  After several days of gripes BoJo took the issue to his transport advisor Kulveer Ranger and a letter was sent to Transport for London about the problem.  TFL swiftly responded and agreed to turn off the heating in a number of buses.

Bozza twittered “To those of you who tweeted about bus heaters being on. You guys are right! Its hot enough! Have spoken to TFL. They’ve sorted the problemâ€?, a message that was gratefully received by many of London’s bus travellers.

PR professionals also praised the Mayor’s actions, not only for making the most of the Twitter service but also for their speed in responding to Londoners’ complaints.

Gordo might well have been pilloried for his recent 21^st century media tactics but it seems that Boris is in a tiny minority of politicians that actually know how to make the most of these new communication tools.

In a speech at the launch of the London Housing Design Guide this week, our “sexier than Johnny Depp� Mayor managed to offend a class of individuals who have thus far fallen under his radar. (Falling under the radar wasn’t terribly difficult for these folk, admittedly, being as they are between two and four feet tall).

“For too long we have built homes to indecently poor standards – fit neither for Bilbo Baggins nor his hobbit friends – and that is indefensible. The finest city in the world deserves the finest housing for its inhabitants….â€? announced Bozza at the conference in Croydon.

Considering that the hobbits ultimately saved Middle Earth by defeating Suaron and his evil hordes, claiming that London housing “wasn’t fit for hobbits� – and the intimation that they are somehow a lesser race than the humans living in London’s substandard housing – no doubt caused offence to these Halflings, had anyone been able to find one for comment.

To be fair to Bilbo Baggins, he had a beautiful garden and considering Boris’ first key design aim is to “focus on the spaces between and around buildings� he and the Design Guide could well learn a few lessons from the housebuilding policy of Tolkien’s favourite race.