Since 1971, the Reading Festival has been one of the UK’s most important events. Over the years, The Jam, The Ramones, Meat Loaf, Nirvana, The Stone Roses and the Beastie Boys have played at the Festival but, until now, one name remained conspicuous by his absence.

Now, 2013 will see Boris Johnson at the Festival. Bozza will headline the Saturday night alongside Eminem and Chase and Status, with other acts on the bill including Fall Out Boy, Green Day, Biffy Clyro and System of a Down.

And, the festival will move from its Reading home to Trafalgar Square for one year only. Boris made his announcement at  Battersea primary school St Mary’s and executive headteacher Jared Brading said: “We will definitely be taking our pupils to the Trafalgar Square festival. It will be a wonderful opportunity to combine Reading  with a great day out.”

The Mayor said: “I hope as many Londoners as possible can make it to Trafalgar Square for the giant read-a-thon packed full of literacy-boosting activities and famous book lovers.”

[Are you sure about this?  - Boriswatch Ed]

Oh. The Get Reading festival, set to take place on 13 July, is part of a major literacy campaign being led by the London Evening Standard and has been organised in partnership with the e-reader firm Nook. Turns out Bozza won’t be doing The Real Slim Shady or American Idiot after all.

Boris said: “I would like to see a London where kids are no longer illiterate at age 11. The target must be to stamp out illiteracy of 11-year-olds, and this is where the Standard‘s literacy campaign has done such pioneering work. Think of the potential – almost one in five kids are leaving primary school unable to read or write, think of what they would go on to achieve, think of the economic benefits that would bring to London if we could turn that round and turn these kids onto reading.”

That’s ‘reading’ not Reading. Ahem.

He’s received many awards in his time and now the Mayor of London has received yet another accolade (#accolade). Yes, Bozza has been awarded the title of Twitter’s coolest politician by Heat‘s Twitter awards (#heattwitterawards).

(Yes, a magazine runs an awards ceremony on Twitter. Categories include Best TV Personality – won by Philip Schofield with insights such as “I love a crumpet” and “Steph has decided to pickle radishes” – Friendliest Tweeter, Best Rant and Most Random #whatistheworldcomingto).

Boris regularly tweets from the account @MayorofLondon and received thousands of votes to take the title. He beat off (#beatoff) competition from David Cameron and former Deputy PM John Prescott who both finished as runners up (#losers).

Boris commented on the award saying; “I am delighted but bewildered how a middle-aged man like myself with a penchant for cycling slowly could be seen as being cool.”

#selfdeprecation

Bozza Johnson, Mayor of London, has landed himself in hot water with OFFICIALS after failing to comply with a local parking restriction for the funeral of a GANGSTER. BORIS has been forced to pay a substantial FINE after recklessly failing to observe local bylaws in place for the funeral of an UNDERWORLD CRIME BOSS.

GANGSTER

Residents’ parking bays in Islington were SUSPENDED for the funeral of crime boss George Adams in which his son Terry led a 30 strong cortege. However, the Mayor FAILED to observe the restriction and left his Toyota Previa parked ILLEGALLY where it was moved to another parking bay.

FINE

The Mayor has been FINED £65 although this fine was later rescinded as he holds a valid residents’ parking permit.

Mr Johnson’s spokeswoman said: “The council MOVED the Mayor’s car, and those of other local residents, to accommodate a funeral procession from a nearby church.”

SWIFT

“The Mayor had been approached to MOVE the car himself, which he was happy to do. However, when he went to do so he couldn’t find the car because it appeared the council had SWIFTLY solved the situation by moving it themselves to a parking bay NEARBY.”

[Yes, you can stop now with the Sun-esque reporting - Boriswatch Ed]

Oh. Let me summarise the story: Mayor parks car, it is moved, he isn’t fined. HOLD THE PRESS.

After the passing of Baroness Thatcher, there has been plenty of debate as to the best way to commemorate the life of Britain’s first female Prime Minister. Of course, Boris has had an idea – or two, as it turns out.

Following the death of the former Conservative leader, Bozza told the Daily Telegraph that he wants to put up a statue of the late Baroness in a ‘prominent location’ in London. He said the former PM ‘deserves’ a memorial in the centre of the capital despite concerns that a statue might become a target for vandalism.

However, just a couple of days later Bozza came up with another idea: name his new airport after the former leader.

The Metro reports that ‘Johnson said the move would be a fitting way of remembering the country’s first female leader, who died this week aged 87.’

The Mayor told the Daily Mail: “Mega airports are springing up all over the continent that are stealing British trade and are a threat to our economy.

“It is why this country so desperately needs a new four runway hub airport and I can think of no name that would strike greater fear into the heart of our European rivals than Margaret Thatcher International Airport.”

A statue? An airport? Renaming Port Stanley? What’s your suggestion for a fitting Thatcher memorial?

Good gracious, how did this little gem pass us by. Boris seems to be a dab hand at basketball – check out this video or a great trick shot he pulled off in front of Town Hall!

It started off as a gentle Sunday morning interview. Eddie Mair – standing in for Andrew Marr on the BBC’s flagship Sunday morning programme – was quizzing the Mayor of London about issues including economic migrants and the Olympic legacy. It was all quite well-mannered and sedate – until the whole encounter took quite a turn.

Out of nowhere, Mair decided to question Boris’ integrity. “The Times let you go after you made up a quote. Why did you make up a quote?” he asked. Immediately flummoxed, Boris wondered: “Are you sure your viewers wouldn’t want to hear more about housing in London?” Mair replied: “OK. But you made a quote up.”

Boris began to explain: “Well, what happened was that … I ascribed events that were supposed to have taken place before the death of Piers Gaveston to events that actually took place after the death of Piers Gaveston,” he said.

“Yes. You made something up,” Mair replied. Johnson said: “Well, I mean, I mildly sandpapered something somebody said, and yes it’s very embarrassing and I’m very sorry about it.”

After this revelation, it was clear that Mair smelled blood: “Let me ask you about a barefaced lie. When you were in Michael Howard’s team, you denied to him you were having an affair. It turned out you were and he sacked you for that. Why did you lie to your party leader?”

Boris was again clearly uncomfortable: “Well, I mean again, I’m … with great respect … on that, I never had any conversation with Michael Howard about that matter and, you know, I don’t propose …”

Mair interrupted: “You did lie to him.”

Johnson: “Well, you know, I don’t propose to go into all that again.”

Mair: “I don’t blame you.” He then went on the offensive again, determined to get Boris to admit that his ultimate ambition is to be Prime Minister. He said: “You could end it all just by saying what you know to be true. What should viewers make of your inability to give a straight answer to a straight question?”

Bozza, now on the ropes, replied: “They [the viewers] don’t care about phone conversations with my friends 20 years ago, they don’t care about some ludicrous, so-called made-up quote, and what’s the third accusation? I can’t remember …”

“Lying to Michael Howard,” Mair reminds him.

The Johnson family’s response to the remarkable interview has been mixed. Bozza has conceded that Mair did ‘a fantastic job’ while his father, Stanley, has slammed the BBC, calling the interview a ‘disgusting’ piece of journalism.

Johnson Sr told London talk radio station LBC on Monday: “I thought Eddie Mair’s interview was one of the most disgusting pieces of journalism I’ve listened to for a very long time. The BBC sank about as low as it could.”

However, Bozza was more generous. He said: “”Eddie Mair did a splendid job. There is no doubt that is what the BBC is for – holding us to account.

“I fully concede it wasn’t my most blistering performance, but that was basically because I was set to talk about the Olympics and housing in London and he wanted to talk about other things, some of them – my private life and so on – of quite some antiquity, the details of which I wasn’t brilliant on. He was perfectly within his rights to have a bash at me – in fact it would have been shocking if he hadn’t. If a BBC presenter can’t attack a nasty Tory politician what’s the world coming to?”

Did you watch the interview? Was it ‘disgusting’ journalism or did the BBC hold Boris to account?

Boris has come up with plenty of bonkers ideas in his time. Cross-Thames cable cars. An airport in the sea. Becoming a politician (guffaw). Now, though, the Mayor has come up with an absolute belter: he wants to build a floating village on the Thames in East London.

According to LBC, Bozza is looking for developers to come up with ideas for a community of homes, hotels, restaurants and bars in the Royal Docks. While the fifteen-acre site sits directly under the Emirates Airline cable car, resident may be more concerned by the fact that the village will sit under the flight path to London City Airport.

Mr Johnson said: “This site is unique [No kidding - Boriswatch Planning Ed]. It has the potential to become one of the most sought after addresses in the capital while breathing new life back into London’s waterways.”

Newham Mayor Sir Robin Wales said: “This venture will provide a major boost for the local economy and further cement the area’s reputation as one of the capital’s must-visit places.”

Would you live in a village on the river? Share your thoughts in the comments below…

Carry On Mayoring

Bozza is no stranger to television. He’s appeared on countless shows through the years, from his famous guest slots on Have I Got News For You right through to a bizarre cameo in BBC soap-opera Eastenders.

Now, though, Boris is getting his own show where he is set to play…himself. The Metro has revealed that Bozza will star in a new documentary about himself and his life. The newspaper say that “the documentary, which is set to air on the BBC, will feature the politician discussing his personal and professional life in candid interviews with Michael Cokerell.”

In fact, the word ‘candid’ appears a LOT in the story. A source said: ‘It’s a complete profile of the most popular and interesting politician in Britain before adding that it was a ‘candid’ and ‘revealing’ portrait of Johnson.

The Sun reports that the film will see Bozza candidly reveal details about his candid rivalry with candid PM David Cameron. The documentary is set to see Boris allege candidly that his rivalry with the PM stems from their time at Eton, where Bozza was Cameron’s candid senior by two years.

Boris’ mother, Charlotte Johnson ‘Candid’ Wahl, is also featured in the film and is sure to provide some candid remarks.

The film will air on March 25 on BBC2. Set your candid cameras!

You know how it is. You don’t hear anyone use the word ‘jelly’ as an insult for years, and then the same person uses it twice in a matter of days. Happens all the time.

Boris has used the last few days to bandy about the ‘jelly’ insult as if it was going out of fashion. Firstly, the Mayor used it to have a pop at his coalition partner and deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg.

“Lib Dems are wobbling jellies of indecision and vacillation, particularly Clegg,” said Bozza. “His single contribution to politics has been to do a u-turn on tuition fees and make a song about it, that’s all he’s done.”

The Huffington Post called Boris’ comments, made as campaigning got under way at the Eastleigh by-election, ‘a withering, and typically colourful, assessment of his party’s Westminster coalition partners’.

You’d think that bringing back the term ‘jelly’ in a pejorative sense would have been a one-off event. But no. Bozza then decided to take the ‘jelly’ thing to a whole new level of bizarre.

In a startling City Hall meeting, the Mayor reacted angrily after the London Assembly rejected the chance to question him about his budget. Sky reports that Boris ‘had been due to be questioned by Assembly members on his £16.5bn budget for the capital in a session at City Hall.’

However, the Assembly voted in favour of not scrutinising the budget, leaving the Mayor flabbergasted and grasping for the nearest insult he could find: a jelly-based one.

He said: “They have no questions. They don’t want to scrutinise. Are you saying they are abdicating their duty to scrutinise me? Are you saying they haven’t the guts to put questions to me?  Great supine proto-plasmic invertebrate jellies.”

Now, we at Boriswatch HQ have heard some insults before. I remember a Christmas party once where Boriswatch’s Features Editor called our London expert a ******g *****d *p ******g but that was nothing compared to this. Even by Bozza’s standards, ‘great supine proto-plasmic invertebrate jellies’ is a humdinger.

Assembly chair Jennette Arnold ‘battled to continue the meeting as Mr Johnson muttered his protests while he gathered his belongings and walked out’, apparently. I’m not surprised.

One of the most astonishing things about Boris is that he has the ability to say anything and get away with it. He could argue that black was white, then argue the following day that black was black. We might think it odd, but then we shrug our shoulders, say “Well, it’s Boris” and get on with things.

There has been a terrific example of Boris’ Teflon-ism this week, on the subject of urban foxes. In the Mayor’s recent Telegraph column he wrote: “Foxes go for vulnerable critters. They might go for your toes if you were lying in a stupor, but only because they failed to grasp that your toes were attached to a large and potentially violent human being. They might go (once in a blue moon) for a baby, but only because a baby is defenceless.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I lay the facts of the case before you, and I suggest that the evidence against the fox is by no means conclusive. I am left with the mystery of that first eruption of rage, that chilling certainty as to the authors of the crime. There is a word for that misapprehension. There was something that made me finger the newcomers, the strangers, the ones who weren’t around when I was a kid. There was something that made me want to believe that the culprits were the recent additions to our urban habitat, the ones who make the spooky yowling at night. I think the word for that anti-fox feeling is prejudice. Or am I wrong?”

A lovely and passionate defence of vulpes vulpes, there. How nice to see.

A week later, however, came this following a fox ‘attack’ on a baby in Bromley: “They may appear cuddly and romantic, but foxes are also a pest and a menace, particularly in our cities. This must serve as a wake-up call to London’s borough leaders, who are responsible for pest control. They must come together, study the data, try to understand why this is becoming such a problem and act quickly to sort it out.”

Oh. A lovely call for all of vulpes vulpes to be dealt with, there. How, er, nice to see…